Trees by Joyce Kilmer

Weakness

My word of the year for 2018 was weakness. I know it’s a bit of an odd choice, and honestly I wasn’t quite sure how to approach it. Obviously it was not necessarily something I wanted to strive to improve in myself, like some of my words in the past. But I felt there was something to be learned from not only acknowledging one’s weaknesses but discovering how to utilize them or even embrace them. When I looked up the meaning of the word weakness, these were the first two definitions listed:

The state or condition of lacking strength 

A quality or feature regarded as a disadvantage or fault

 In John chapter 9, Jesus heals a man who was born blind.  He is asked his disciples if the man’s blindness is a result of the man or his parent’s sin. Jesus answers that the man’s disability is not a punishment for sin but will be used to glorify God. I think about 2  Corinthians 12 where Paul states that he will brag about his weaknesses because Christ’s power would be made perfect in his weakness. 1 Corinthians 1:27 states, “God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.”

These scriptures sound a lot like God telling us to embrace our weaknesses. If we were perfect individuals, we might think we don’t need God. If we were strong we might take credit for ourselves and not give the glory to God. So yes, to a certain extent we should embrace our weaknesses as a means to keep us humble. But also we need to keep in mind that God works ALL things for His good (Romans 8:28). He can take our imperfections and still use them. Not only can he use them, but he has proven to do it over and over again. Not a single person mentioned in the Bible (other than Jesus) was perfect, and most of the time, their character flaws were very obvious.

In the difficult times in my life I was tempted to question “why me?” but I had to believe God was planning to use my tough times for good, such as helping someone else in a similar situation. Not only have my struggles helped me to relate better to others in similar situations, but they have helped to strengthen my faith.

Fierce Love

I am physically small and weak. I’ve never been able to do a real push-up, and after birthing 3 babies, I can no longer do a sit-up. I’m no longer “climbing” the career ladder. I had to choose between spending more time with my family or advancing my career. I chose my family, even though I still miss a lot of class parties, field trips, medical appointments, and other events while I am at work.

By worldly standards I am clearly not strong or powerful, but when it comes to my children, don’t underestimate my persistence and determination. I can function for days (or years now) on interrupted limited sleep. I can juggle a to-do list so extensive I can’t even remember it all in my head anymore. I can power through a 10k with my cross country kiddos with limited preparation. God has been equipping me in different ways to be the mother of the 5 children He has entrusted to me.

Our experiences adopting have brought out the Mama Bear in me. Vulnerable children seem to struggle disproportionally more than other children. Adoption is spiritual warfare. Ask any family involved in foster care or adoption, and they will tell you they have experienced spiritual attacks like they’ve never seen before. In her book I Call You Mine: Embracing God’s Gift if Adoption, Kim de Blecourt says, “One type of love I never experienced, however, until I became an adoptive parent was fierce love.” In her description of God’s love for us she notes, “His love for us...is so fierce He would do anything, go anywhere, fight anyone, and give up anything — including His only Son.”

Take our youngest child, Simon, for example. God must have epic plans for him based on his life so far. It took us 4 years of waiting and 3 home studies (foster, international, and domestic) to bring home the child God intended to be our son. Like every adopted child, Simon experienced trauma in the loss of his first family and their culture, though we are doing what we can to maintain ties with both.

We had complications legally with his adoption, to the point that we literally sent a letter to every state congressperson in Alabama pleading for help. We had attorneys in 3 states working through the mess, which had nothing to do with his birth mother’s consent for the adoption as she went above and beyond to help us. Minutes before Simon’s adoption finalization, which we had travelled out of state to complete, we were informed that the judge may not allow it due to another crazy legal glitch.

During this stressful time, we were also trying to secure the necessary medical interventions for Simon’s hearing loss. We were not expecting to discover that not only were the needed specialists all out of town, but our private insurance did not cover the majority of the expenses. The following year, we started the fight with early intervention to get him “appropriate” speech services. Again we pleaded for help by sending a letter, this time all the way up the state early intervention chain-of-command. A year later I was at the state capitol speaking on behalf of the dismal state of early intervention services for children who are deaf/hard of hearing in Alabama. During this time Simon was chronically ill with ear infections and had 2 sets of tubes and his adenoids removed within a 1 year period of time.

Even though Simon had greater delays due to not receiving the speech services he needed as an infant/toddler, he is finally making great gains! At the beginning of this year when Simon was not quite 3 years old, he was almost 2 years delayed in expressive/receptive speech. He has almost caught up to his peers in receptive speech (what he understands others say), and we have seen good progress in his expressive language skills (others understanding what he says). He attends speech therapy 3 times a week, with one of his visits involving a 75 minute drive each way. He has audiology visits several times a year to recheck his hearing and monitor his hearing aid function. Now he needs occupational therapy, and yet again, we have run into road blocks with how to get the therapy he needs covered (private pay) and how to fit another therapy appointment into our little guy’s week. I am becoming an expert at IEP law, and let me tell you, it feels like I am earning another college degree.

God has given me a peace about Simon’s struggles. I have never feared that Simon’s future would ultimately be limited by his hearing loss or resulting speech problems. But every once in a while I feel sad for him. He got stuck in a piece of playground equipment one day at preschool and couldn’t communicate to his teacher why he wouldn’t come when she called. There was an incident with another child in his class, but Simon couldn’t tell his teacher why he was upset or if he was hurt. When Simon’s hearing aid batteries die, his ear molds act more like an ear plug, blocking the residual sound Simon can hear, but he is not able yet to communicate that his aids aren’t working. His unintelligible speech is a picture of what he heard for the first couple years of his life when we could not clear the fluid from his ears.

There are signs of hope, though. Simon loves to sing and count and say his ABCs. He can spell his name. He is starting to express his needs and wants verbally. Just today Simon was in the Chick-Fil-A indoor play area. I was watching him through the window when I realized one of his hearing aids was flipped off his ear. I didn't make it out there before he approached another mom and indicated he wanted her to reposition his hearing aid for him. I laughed at the time at his boldness, but later realized he was learning to advocate for his needs.

I pray that Simon never loses his outgoing personality or self-confidence. I pray he is not bullied because he is different. I pray he is never ashamed because of the way God made him. I pray I can be the mother he needs. I pray to have the fierce love for my children that God has shown towards me.

Breath of God

Colossians 3:16 Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through songs, hymns, and songs from the Spirit...

Brandon and Lauren are attending Discovery Weekend with the youth at church this weekend. Brandon was asked to give the "Jesus" talk Saturday morning, which included his testimony. Brandon doesn't particularly like getting up in front of people. As his mother I can see how nervous he gets when he is on stage. But when he was asked to give this talk, Brandon didn't seem to hesitate to agree. Watching him today, I am so proud of the young man he is becoming. I can see the way his faith has changed him over the past few years. He studies his Bible with intention. If there is a church activity for youth, he is there. When he is asked to help with something, he does without complaint (most of the time!).

Brandon doesn't say a whole lot so when he does talk about something, you know it excites him. Sometimes he talks about the latest video game he is playing, and I am lost pretty quickly. When he talked for weeks about Stephen Meyer's book Signature in the Cell: DNA and the Evidence for Intelligent Design (not light reading, mind you), I knew he was intrigued with the complexities of the human body and how they pointed to our Maker.

I was remembering recently a song Brandon used to listen to over and over as a toddler. When he was 18 months old, we finally got him sleeping in his own bed. I think his imagination would get the best of him as he was lying there trying to fall asleep. We found that putting on some music kept him from thinking about the strange noises he thought he was hearing. Brandon quickly developed a fondness for the song "Breath of God" by Shane Barnard and Shane Everett. Despite having a CD of the entire album, Brandon only wanted to hear THAT song. Brad would set the song to play up to 20 times on repeat, and if Brandon was still awake when it ended, we would have to reset it again. Every night for at least 2 years, Brandon listened to "Breath of God." I don't think it would be exaggerating to estimate he has heard that song 10,000 times!

A few weeks ago I listened to Brandon’s song and reflected on the lyrics. It made me think about all God has done in his life and how his walk with the Lord has inspired me to be a better Christian.

I’ve linked the song (with lyrics) below:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=aa3yHMheZBU

2 Timothy 3:14 ...continue in what you have learned and become convinced of, because you know those from whom you have learned it, and how from infancy you have known the Holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Jesus Christ...

Annie

In 2011 when Brad and I mutually felt called to adopt, the idea of adding a fourth child was so new and scary that the plan was to adopt 1 child. As we became more open to God’s will for our family, we decided to be open to adopting 2 children. Every step along the way (foster, international from Ethiopia, and domestic) we had a homestudy approving us for 2 children. The journey that lead us to Simon was so difficult, long, heartbreaking, and costly that in the weeks leading up to the finalization of his adoption, I just wanted to be DONE.

Many times during our wait I questioned why we’d been called to adopt in 2011 when our son wasn’t born until 2015. Within a few months of Simon’s adoption finalization in September 2015, however, I started thinking of that second child we were always open to adopting. We started praying for discernment about adopting again. I joined some Facebook groups advocating for waiting children, both domestically and internationally.  Brad had expressed a preference to adopt a girl aged 3-5 who would fit in the 5 year gap between our youngest 2 children.

In July 2016 I found a 4 year old Chinese girl called “Leilani” on an adoption agency advocacy page.  Interestingly enough the name “Leilani” is Hawaiian (where our youngest son was born). Brad and I decided to request additional information about her. There wasn’t much in her file, but we were definitely interested so we requested the agency “hold” her file while we had it reviewed by the International Adoption Clinic.  Once we spoke with the doctor, we decided to proceed with pursuing her adoption.  Within 2 weeks we had pre-approval from China and officially started the process.  Compared to Simon’s adoption process, Annie’s was a whirlwind.  We started paperwork in August 2016 and by the end of April 2017, we had travel approval.  On her 5th birthday, we boarded a plane to China to bring our daughter home.

At some point in the process, I realized that the little girl who was to become our daughter was conceived around the time we actively started pursuing adoption in 2011. We never considered adopting from China during our first adoption. Her finding ad, the Chinese government’s attempt to locate her birth family, was published on my birthday in 2015, just over a month before we would meet Simon.  There is evidence in some of our documents that her file began being prepared for adoption in November 2015 and was completed right around the time we started actively searching for the little girl to complete our family. While I will never understand why she spent the first 5 years of her life without a family, I can see God’s hand in the way she joined ours.

In coming up with a name, we had to remember that this little girl already had a name— Yi Shan (pronounced EEE-Shawn). We had heard that many Chinese children want an American name when they are adopted. We learned that orphaned children are often named by the orphanage director and that the names often are chosen more as a way of inventorying the children who come into their care.  That being said, we didn’t want to disregard her past altogether. The name we had previously chosen for a girl didn’t seem to match the fiery girl we saw in videos and photographs. We finally settled on Annie Charis Yishan. Annie is a short spunky name, and is a derivative of Anna, which means “grace.”  Charis (pronounced CARE-ess) was the middle name we already loved. I “found” it several years prior in a book I read, called Charis: God’s Scandalous Grace for Us by Preston Sprinkle.  Charis is the Greek word for grace, so our newest daughter’s name means “ grace grace.” Here is her verse:

My Path to Motherhood

I am one of the privileged. Not only do I get to be a mom (many times over), but I’ve been able to experience different paths to motherhood.

 I’ve waited 4 weeks to learn I would be a mother, and I’ve waited 4 years.

I’ve had sadness, joy, and utter surprise with pregnancy test results. I’ve been disappointed dozens of times with emails saying it wasn’t my turn this time. I’ve received an email saying we were matched, and I’ve been shocked with a late night phone call that my child was waiting for me. I’ve received phone calls day and night asking if we could open our home for a short time for a child.

I have Googled due date calculators and bought books about pregnancy and fetal development. I have also researched adoption options and read books on child trauma.

 I have gone to prenatal appointments with my OB/GYN and heard my baby‘s heartbeat. I have brought home ultrasound videos and pictures.  I have also had appointments with social workers and have been fingerprinted more times than your average criminal. I have mailed documents with my most private information all over the US to be authenticated.

 I have had labwork to check my health and the health of my unborn child. I’ve also paid out-of-pocket for HIV, syphilis, and other unnecessary testing to demonstrate I am healthy enough to parent another’s child. I have paid doctors to review medical files that’ve been translated into English.

I’ve packed my bags for a couple nights in the hospital down the street. I’ve packed bags for a couple weeks for a trip across the ocean.

 I have bought maternity clothes and newborn baby clothes while awaiting the arrival of some of my children. For others I’ve purchased infant, child, or teen-sized clothes.

I have bought strollers, diapers, and nursing pillows. I have also bought cell phone plans, sneakers, and hearing aids.

 I have arrived at the hospital with diaper rash cream, nasal aspirators, and gas drops. I have also gone to meet my child with scabies cream, lice treatments, and ponytail holders.

I have held my child in the first seconds of life. I have also missed months or years of a child’s life.  For some I have pictures from the day they were born while for others I have no baby pictures at all.

I have children whose original birth certificate did not bear my name. Some of my children were given a name the day they were born: others waited months or years to be named.

I am the only mom some of my children have ever known, and for others I share that privileged title.

I have children who gave me morning sickness and stretch marks. I have other children who I would have traded labor pain in a second to forgo the heartache while we waited for each other.

I have no idea what I was doing the day some of my children were born. I have a child who is not biologically or legally mine, but I am the only one who remembers his birthday.

I look at some of my children and see a semblance of myself in their face. I marvel that others accepted a mother whose face, voice, and scent were not familiar.

For some children, the bond was immediate, as if I’d known them forever. For others that bond has taken work, but love is an action, not a feeling. The fact they were born of my womb or my heart was not the deciding factor.

I have felt unreserved joy and gratitude. I have also felt undeserving and unprepared. The highest highs and lowest lows come with motherhood.

Despite how they came to me, to my children: I will always love you, no matter what. I will always fight for you. I am okay being uncomfortable or inconvenienced for you. I know I will screw up more times than I want to admit, but I will continue to humble myself to apologize and show you that no one is perfect. My biggest hope for you is that you will come to know how loved you are by me, by your dad, and most of all by your Heavenly Father... that He is always there for you, even when I wasn’t.

What I’m Reading

I slacked a little lately on blogging about books I’m reading, so here’s an update!

In case you don’t remember, at the beginning of the year I was selected for a year-long commitment to have first access to several Christian fiction books published by WaterBrook & Multnomah. I’ve read 2 so far and hopefully the 3rd book is on the way!

I was pumped to learn last Friday that I was chosen for another launch team for Beautifully Interrupted, Teresa S. Anderson’s first book. She is a fellow adoptive mom (4 Ethiopian beauties and 2 biological sons). I have followed her on social media for several years and was super excited to be chosen.  She has some extra goodies available if you preorder her book:
http://www.teresaswanstromanderson.com/beautifully-interrupted

For more information on my upcoming book club reads:

Where the Fire Falls by Karen Barnett (available 6/5/18)
Here is the link for a sneak peek:
https://www.facebook.com/waterbrookmultnomahfiction/posts/1597359126968298

Beautifully Interrupted by Teresa Swanstrom Anderson (available 5/15/18)
Here is the link for her book trailer:
https://www.facebook.com/teresaswanstromanderson/videos/1764213423672338/


Do you enjoy reading and wish you could be part of a book club but have a schedule like mine that doesn’t leave much room for getting together to discuss a book? Online book clubs are a solution to my scheduling issues, but one I tried the past wasn’t a good fit. I was home from church this morning with a sick child and stumbled upon another and the topic caught my eye: HOSPITALITY

I almost chose “hospitality” for my word of the year last year, but frankly the topic scared me. As an introvert, natural planner, and full-time working mom of 5 children, the idea of opening my home to others is uncomfortable to say the least. My house is always a wreck, and I’m rarely prepared to host others, particularly without a LOT of advance notice. But I can acknowledge the Biblical mandate (see Romans 12:13) and importance in witnessing to others through opening one’s home. I admit that I enjoy fellowshipping with others on the rare occasion that we do have someone over. So maybe it’s time for me to step outside my comfort zone (seems like that is a key to growth in relationship with God) and learn how to be a better host.

If this sounds like an interesting topic to you as well, check out the Just Open the Door Book Club, hosted by (in)courage. The book is Just Open the Door: How One Invitation Can Change a Generation by Jen Schmidt. It is free to join, but you will need a copy of the book to follow along. The first chapter is available to download free if you plan to purchase a paper copy. The official start date is April 30, but it’s not hard to jump in later if you need. Here is the link for more information:
http://www.incourage.me/2018/04/join-just-open-door-book-club.html

See the “2018 Books” tab on my blog to see what books I’m currently reading and my thoughts on books I’ve read already this year. Also, check out my last blog post about Simon and his name. I’ve posted about all my children except our most recent addition, Annie. Hers is coming soon!