Seeking God's Face

I was convicted the other day.  I was listening to "More and More of You", a new song from Selah.  Now this is not a new thing for me.  I enjoy their music and listen to it often while I work.  Of course, every now and then, I'll come across a new release or a song I've never heard them sing.  This was one of them, so I gave it a try.  The first lines busted me up.

"We have had enough of getting everything we want.

We have given up on living this life just for us.

Oh, forgive us all for seeking your hand and not your face."

You know that feeling when something strikes you, almost as if on the face.  You stop listening and start thinking.  My first thought was, "That's been me lately".  Honestly, it's been me too much for the past several years, and lots of that has to do with this adoption.  

God's calling is a funny thing at times.  He calls you to something wonderful (like adoption), and He knows the beginning and the end.  We don't have that privilege, which is why God calls us to faith.  Well, as time goes on and on, this calling of His begins to occupy your thoughts more and more.  He calls us to wait patiently.  At times, we do wait on the LORD.  At other times, we want Him to hurry up.  The trick is this; over time the fixation turns to God's call, rather than God Himself.  

My face, upturned in the beginning, said "Yes" to this great call out of adoration for Jesus and His word.  As I was made to wait (in His perfect time), my face began to sink down to "what He can give me" rather than Who He is.  In short, there were times when I made an idol out of God's call and what He could give me.  

This is the essence of that Selah lyric, and God spoke to me through it.  I have, too often, been seeking God's hand instead of His face.

Here's the trick, though.

Simon has reinforced this for me.  In the beginning, Simon didn't even know us.  I doubt he really even cared at the time.  We, as his loving parents, who had been waiting and fighting for 4 years, were finally there to take him in and call him our own.  Emily and I wanted to know Simon.  We had dreamed of how it would be when we saw him for the first time, when he would walk for the first time, what his first word would be, etc, etc, etc.

He wanted food and to be carried around.  That was it.

Baby Simon, not knowing us, was looking to what our hands could give him, rather than looking for our face in order to know us.  I've been the same way.

Now that we've had him for a month, things are beginning to change quite a bit.  When I come home from work, he perks up when he sees me.  He looks into our eyes as we are feeding him.  He laughs (sort of) when he sees the tickle fingers coming.  Simon has come to know us better, and because of that, he is learning to look us first, and then happily accept what we have to give him (which is everything!).

I'm looking to the example of my 4 month old son.  He is desiring to know us first, and look to what we can give him afterward.  I figure that I should be doing the same to my adoptive Father.  Therefore, I've done quite a bit of confessing in the past weeks.  I'm trying to allow my time in prayer to lift my head above God's hands and up to His glorious face.

Then I remembered.  There's a blessing that God gave His people when they were in need.  He gave it to the priests while the nation of Israel wandered in the desert.  God wanted to bless His people, and He did not mention food, shelter, deliverance, or comfort a single time.

"May the LORD bless you and keep you.

May the LORD make His face to shine upon you and be gracious to you.

May the LORD lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace."

I've said this blessing over our children almost every night of their lives, and I'm just now getting the point of it.  

So pray with us, please.  Pray that Simon will continue to seek his mother's face and his father's face, knowing that we want so much more for him than he even knows. Pray that we will learn each and every lesson that God throws at us along this journey.  And pray that He will cause me to seek His face above all things.

24 Days

Simon has been with us for 24 days now.  It already feels like he's always been a part of the family, but we have had reminders that Simon comes from a place of brokenness.

In terms of me bonding with him, I am so grateful that my brain and my heart just knew he was mine from the moment I first held him.  I feel blessed because I know that this is not always the case with adopted (or even biological) children.  I'm sure things are a little more confusing for him.  When we first got him, he was not shy about smiling, screaming, or babbling.  We quickly realized he liked to be held by someone who is standing instead of sitting.  He likes to take stroller rides outside.  He likes looking at fans and things that light up.  But he was very anxious about any new places or situations, which unfortunately was almost everything we did.  After a couple of occasions where he cried and screamed in absolute terror, we learned that anytime we went somewhere, we needed to be holding him, rather than letting him sit in his car sear or a stroller.  It makes me sad to think that he reacts this way because just 24 days ago, he was brought by his foster mom since birth to a new place to meet new people and the next thing he knew, he was left with 2 strangers.  He is still a little fearful, but I can see that he is learning to trust us more when we go places.  Unlike a biological child, Brad and I have to be on alert for anything that could hinder Simon's ability to bond with us and recognize that we are his family.  I have had some ask me if I am going right back to work.  I cannot do that to my son, who in his 3 short months of life has now had 3 moms.  We were taught in our adoption education courses that even a newborn child recognizes that something is not as it should be when he is placed with a mother other that the one who carried him in her womb.  Even an infant grieves his losses.

Since we got little Simon, he has learned to roll from his back to his tummy and is already trying to belly crawl!  He smiles and gets excited when he sees his family.  He says "unga" which was a common verbalization of my other children as well.  He doesn't always startle with loud noises, but he seems to hear me talking quietly to Brad when he should be asleep.  Go figure.  We have finally gotten all his prior medical records and hope to follow up very soon on his hearing issues.

It has been a whirlwind 3 weeks but in the quiet moments, I am in awe of the goodness of God.  When the news has nothing to report but terrorist attacks on US soil, race-related rioting, and Planned Parenthood selling body parts, I am comforted by His promises.

It has been a long, hard 4 years.  It has tried my faith more than anything I have experienced.  The need for adoption is due to the fact that we live in a broken world.  Adoption takes that brokenness and offers a chance at healing and an opportunity to meet the heavenly Father who will never leave or forsake us. 

 



Adoption is so important to God, you can imagine Satan will do everything possible to deter it.   I have watched children get yanked in and out of foster care while their "parents" continue their self seeking destructive lifestyles.  I have known of children overseas dying in orphanages that are understaffed and underequipped while families wanting to adopt can do nothing but wait and hope.  I have heard of birth moms who have no intention of parenting use their babies as bargaining chips.

 





Watching children suffer will make you question the goodness of God, and that is exactly what Satan wants.  He causes delays in hopes that those seeking to adopt will simply give up.  Satan has attacked my faith, my family, my health, my finances, and my job security.  He has sent people close to us to discourage us.  He is crafty in his use of government bureaucracy and laws.  He has jeopardized the ethics of adoption, which resulted in more requirements adoptive parents must be willing to complete.  I won't even get into the astronomical expenses involved in offering to raise and love a child who is not biologically yours.  During the hardest times, I had to remind myself that if Satan was on the attack, it probably meant I was on the right track.  We are not out of the woods yet.  It will take some more legal hoopla before Simon is legally ours and we pray that there are no major issues.







I can say that the greatest sacrifices and hardest struggles will feel like the sweetest victories and best rewards.  God has never promised that our life will be easy, but when we live for Him, we are promised eternity in paradise.