We have been preparing to bring Annie home since last August. We are so excited to make her a part of our family, but her homecoming will not look like that of a newborn coming home from the hospital or even like Simon's as a 3 month old. Annie has spent the first 5 years of her life without a permanent family and has had multiple different care givers over her lifetime. This means she won't really understand the role of Brad and I as her "Baba" and "Mama" and could view us for a time as another set of temporary care givers.
Annie's first few months home will be critical to bonding so that she understands Brad and I are who she should rely on to meet her needs, to establish trust, and to model to her what a family is. Because of her background, we will be "cocooning" for a period of time, largely determined by Annie. This means we will stay home more than usual to allow us to spend a lot of time together and to minimize overstimulation that can occur from all the changes. We have a lot of lost time to "recover" with her as her parents.
It is very important that those close to us understand and cooperate with our requests during this period of bonding. Cocooning is a well researched topic in the adoption world. It is very important that Brad and I be the ONLY people to meet Annie's needs during this time. Children who have grown up with multiple care givers often demonstrate indiscriminate affection, which means they easily go to anyone to meet their needs. While this behavior may be interpreted that Annie is adjusting well, it actually means the opposite. Indiscriminate affection is a coping mechanism children display as a means of survival when they have learned that charming behavior or affection will help win their caregiver's favor. For most of her life Annie has not had a traditional family unit modeled for her and will likely not understand the true role of us as her parents. Therefore, we ask that if Annie comes to anyone other than Brad or I for requests, she be directed back to one of us. This could include requests, such as a drink or snack, a hug, to be held, or to sit in a lap.
When we arrive home, Annie will be a very traumatized little girl. Her whole world will have changed in an instant and she will be in a strange place with strange people (us). Children who are traumatized can display a wide variety of behaviors, from shutting down completely, to acting hyper, to laughing at inappropriate things, to anger. She may lash out or she may show very little signs that she is upset. Sadly, these are all totally "normal" behaviors of a child in her circumstances. Brad and I have been through lots of training to help prepare us for this. We understand that the child we meet in China and bring home is not a true representation of who she really is. Please show her some grace, particularly the first few weeks/months home and feel free to talk to us privately if you have any questions or concerns. While we expect she will speak little to no English, she will learn quickly and her comprehension (or understanding of what is being said) will occur before she is able to speak or express herself well. Be aware she will understand what she is hearing around her before she can speak English herself.
We are so excited to meet Annie and to have her meet our friends and family! We thank you for your understanding if our first weeks home look a little different. Please see the links below for some additional insight into cocooning and older child adoption.
http://www.nohandsbutours.com/2015/09/09/cocooning/
http://abeautifulsymphony.com/cocooning-is-critical-part-2-of-metamorphosis-of-the-adopted-child/
http://www.lwbcommunity.org/realistic-expectations-attachment
http://www.lwbcommunity.org/realistic-expectations-post-adoption-struggles
