New Year News

We are now almost a week into 2014.  I have been reflecting on the past year and looking forward to the upcoming new one.  I have been setting goals for myself, in many different areas including personal, spiritual, financial, relationship, etc.  I have some things I would like to do/accomplish in the upcoming year and my biggest prayer would be that we would receive a referral.  This folks, would be a miracle, but I hear God is in the business of making miracles so maybe He has one in store for us soon.

We got our monthly update from our agency.  We knew there had been 3 referrals based on our agency's report.  There are many factors that come into play but we were still a little disappointed when we were told our current number is:

 

One major change that occurred during the past month is our referring agency is now restricting us from reporting any case-specific details about our adoption on any public forum.  That includes our wait list number.  I have made this blog private so I can still give more specific updates and to keep our prior posts in compliance with the new privacy policy.  Please do NOT post any information revealed on this blog on Facebook!

There has been a lot of negative talk about international adoption in Ethiopia lately.  If there is a horror story, they have heard it.  This is a large part of why we have been asked to limit the information we give about our adoption process online.  We have to help protect the future for adoptions in Ethiopia.  The good news is that we have been told that the regional courts have finally, after several months of nothing, started approving children to be referred for adoption.  Our agency is hopeful that they will be able to start issuing regular referrals again.

We are planning a mini celebration for Ethiopia's Christmas, which is January 7.  We plan to simulate their traditional meal with Brunswick stew and naan bread.  I'm sure it is a far cry from the real thing, but since we haven't been to an Ethiopian restaurant to try their food, I wouldn't know the difference.  It is very difficult to get some of their spices and the flour used in their bread anyway.  Brandon would love eating in Ethiopia because they do not use utensils!  Their bread, called injera, is flat and used to scoop up the food for eating.  Here is a little more information about Ethiopian Christmas:
http://www.whychristmas.com/cultures/ethiopia.shtml

MERRY (ETHIOPIAN) CHRISTMAS!

And the wait has begun. . .

Adoption seems like one big waiting game.  I can already affirm the fact that a paper pregnancy is much harder!  We have already been waiting to adopt longer than all three of my pregnancies combined! 

30 months ago   Brad and I recognized our mutual call to adopt (pursued initially through foster care)

12 months ago    I started being pulled toward international adoption

9 months ago     We began the process with our agency

15982 miles       The distance our dossier travelled from our home to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia (with stops in Kentucky, Utah, and Washington, D.C)

11/11/13             The date our dossier arrived in Ethiopia and we officially got on the waiting list

159                     Our first waiting list number (will be updated the 1st of each month)

Now we simply WAIT. . . and prepare. . . spiritually, emotionally, financially, prayerfully. . . we educate ourselves for the next phase.  We update our paperwork as it expires (can you believe we have already done that with one of our clearances?).  The bulk of our adoption expenses are yet to come and when they do, the timeline will be much less flexible and closer together.

Some have asked how long our wait will be.  The short answer is we don't know.  There are currently 158 families ahead of us on the list.  That means every time our agency gets a child or children who meet the criteria to be adopted, they start at the top of the list and locate the first family on the list who is a match (each family has their own criteria for a "match").  Many families never get to #1 on the list before they receive a referral.  We were originally told the wait was estimated at 15-18 months once we were on the list, but that wait could be shorter or longer based on multiple factors.  This fall some of the paperwork requirements in Ethiopia changed and that has resulted in the referral process to come to a standstill, but that will hopefully pick up soon.

Micah is still praying every night for her baby brother and/or sister. . . and when I say she prays nightly, I mean she NEVER forgets her sibling in Ethiopia but has forgotten to pray for her other family members quite frequently (much to her father's disdain).  For 3 years old, she has been so patient.  She has only asked once why it is taking so long and I've have asked that question myself more times than I can count.

Please continue to pray for our family and our patience!

Trees Grow Slowly

Have you ever watched a tree grow?  Initially, you'll probably think the same thing that I did.  "Of course I haven't watched a tree grow!  It's too slow!". 

You would be wrong.

We've all watched a tree grow.  The trick is that trees that are alive are always growing.  They are just (obviously) growing too slowly for us perceive.  Every day, that one tree you have in mind is somewhere between its last growth ring and adding another one.  The space between them is constantly getting wider, bit by bit by bit. 

Water is being pulled through the roots, up through the branches, out to the leaves, and back again.  The leaves are doing their undeniably godly process of converting light (literal energy) and combining it with that nutrient-rich water, and causing each tree you see (every single day) into just a bit more wood, sap, buds, sprouts, flowers, or maybe even fruit.  Yes, we can most easily see the tree's SIGNS of growth, but make no mistake, we see the ACTUAL growth.  And this seems natural to us.  We are never surprised when we look upon a tree that we haven't paid attention to in years and realize that it's put on 10 feet of height.

And so it is with (in my experience) tomato plants, my hair, may kids, and God's will.

Our family just received our long-awaited USCIS approval letter, which allows us to send our entire dossier across the world.  We got a bit (understatement) frustrated.  Anger, cynicism, and negativity pushed their way through into my feelings about this entire process of paperwork, approvals, regulations, and red tape.  We had to WAIT; that was HARD.  I had forgotten which process was really in being played out in our lives.  The will of God was at work.

In the waiting (and especially after it was done) I have come to realize that God grows things very slowly, and He does it for a reason.  As to what that reason is, I'm not sure now; I'm not meant to know now.  I have been told this, though.

"The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever...." Deuteronomy 29:29.

God taught Moses to give these words to the children of Israel, just before they entered the Promised Land.  I'm sure they had plenty of questions as well.  God gave them the answers they needed, the means they needed, and the grace they needed to get by.  I must claim these words for our family and our process as well.

Our youngest, Micah, prays every night with our family and mentions 3 things each time she prays.  These include her baby brother or sister, her mommy's garden, and the little tree in our front "yarden". One day, this process will be done.  One day, we'll be walking hand in hand with the children God has given us from East to West, and I'll realize that the trees God planted in our hearts (and home) have indeed grown, just as Micah, and the rest of us, have prayed (and watched) since the beginning.

Hallelujah to the Grower of all good things! (1 Corinthians 3:7)

You Know You Are Adopting When. . . .

We are currently in a holding pattern while we wait for "immigration approval."  This is just one of the MANY things you wait on in adoption.  As soon as that magic letter arrives in the mail so it can be added to our dossier, our paperwork can start the trek that will end in Ethiopia.

You know you are adopting when. . .

• You’ve been fingerprinted and had more background checks than a hardened criminal.  My new rule of thumb, is if you have ever been cleared to adopt, you can bypass the normal "stranger caution."

• You don’t hesitate to spend $42 to get a certified copy of your marriage license shipped ASAP the same day that you do your grocery shopping for the week and only spend $32 because you need the money for adoption expenses.

• Your social worker knows things about you that your parents don’t know (don't ask).

• You find yourself walking into the doctor’s office to get the results of your husband’s blood tests for HIV and syphilis.

• You contemplate which you should pay first: your mortgage or the next payment to your adoption agency.

• You know what the terms dossier, cocooning, I-600, home study, reactive attachment disorder,  and sensory processing disorder mean.

• You have your notary on speed-dial and have had her meet you on a Saturday morning (thanks, Jill!).

• You screen your calls while at work but if your adoption agency comes up, you answer it no matter what.

• The following people/entities have had to vouch for your ability to parent: your friends, family, boss, accountant, children’s teachers, coworkers, and preacher; bank, health and life insurance companies, and even the IRS (via past tax returns).

• You try to discover your hidden “talents” that could be used to help you fundraise for your adoption.

• You write large checks, fill out all kinds of forms, and show up at out-of-town appointments for fingerprinting because your agency told you to, even though you aren’t exactly sure what the purpose of it is.

• You are in love with a child you’ve never even seen. . .

Nationality and Race

Recently when completing a form for Micah’s preschool, there was a question that asked “Nationality?”  According to dictionary.com, this word means “the status of belonging to a particular nation, whether by birth or naturalization.”  I was thinking of how I would answer this question about our adopted child one day.  Our adopted child will become an American citizen upon landing on U.S. soil, so that would make him or her American.  But that sort of neglects a large part of his or her heritage, seeing as the child was literally born in Ethiopia.  I would venture to guess that virtually all the children attending this preschool are American, either by birth or naturalization.  So why even ask one’s nationality? 

That brings me to the topic of race.  Am I the only person who gets a little confused?  Do I say Caucasian?  White?  Of European descent?  When I looked up the meaning of the word, it was just as vague.  According to dictionary.com, “race” means:

1.  a group of persons related by common descent or heredity.

 

2. a population so related.

3. Anthropology .
     a. any of the traditional divisions of humankind, the commonest being the Caucasian, Mongoloid, and Negro, characterized by supposedly distinctive and universal physical characteristics: no longer in technical use.
     b. an arbitrary classification of modern humans, sometimes, especially formerly, based on any or a combination of various physical characteristics, as skin color, facial form, or eye shape, and now frequently based on such genetic markers as blood groups.
     c. a human population partially isolated reproductively from other populations, whose members share a greater degree of physical and genetic similarity with one another than with other humans.

4. a group of tribes or peoples forming an ethnic stock: the Slavic race.

5. any people united by common history, language, cultural traits, etc.: the Dutch race

 

Ummm. . .so how do I answer again?  The definition actually includes the word arbitrary.  That means “contingent on one’s discretion.”  So basically, one’s race can be totally whatever group he or she wishes to associate with.  If I am confused, and I look am a typical, white girl, I can’t imagine how hard this question is for someone who is biracial.  They usually only let you bubble in one answer.  Then again, most of us are actually biracial since there aren’t many “purebred” humans anymore (and if you don't believe me, research your family's genealogy).

The thought has occurred to Brad and I that we will likely have some combination of black, white, and biracial grandchildren one day.  We went to Spring Park a few weeks ago and there was a family reunion celebrating at one of the pavilions.  I had this image in my head of our family reunion one day and it made me smile, particularly how perplexed it would make people when they saw all these different colored people running around in “Bernard Family Reunion” T-shirts.

 I always get the feeling that when race is asked, they really just want to know your skin color.  Anyone besides me think that?  Maybe they just want to know if two women walk into the room, and they know my “race,” they will know which one I am.

Micah loves to sing “Jesus Loves the Little Children.”  Remember the part in the song when it says, “Red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in his sight, Jesus loves the little children of the world”?  Not to go off on a tangent, but Micah actually changes the words to “Red and blue and black and white…” which causes Brandon to giggle at the idea of a blue person.  Micah doesn’t realize she has the words wrong (and I won’t tell her because I love her version) so when his laugh interrupts her, she pouts, “Now I have to start over again!” and the whole process repeats itself again and again.  My fingers and toes actually turn blue in the winter with my poor circulation so I would argue a person can be blue. . . Smurfs are blue, right?

Anyway, the Nationality question got me thinking about all of this.  I'm not sure now if I put American, Caucasian, or white, though I should have just answered “Human.”

I think I would like it if instead they asked Red? Yellow? Black? White? . . .and maybe throw in a Pink? Brown? Other? and Blue?, too!

Doubt and Doing

The fire alarm is screaming, smoke pours from every fenestration, emergency vehicles speed to the site...and half the people in the building are trapped.  Nobody cries for help, because nobody survived.

All this occurs about once a month in my world, just before I wake in a cold sweat, have a 10 second freak out, then rush to work as quickly as possible to check the building code for life safety items I may have left out from our latest building design.  Thanks be to God, nothing like this has ever happened, and honestly, I've never made a mistake on life safety that could've allowed a tragedy such as this to happen.

So why the worry?  The answer is simple: Doubt.

I feel doubt all the time.  I doubt my aptitude as an architect, my ability as a parent, the intent of my deeds, and even (I admit it) the power and love of my God.  The more I tend to look inside myself, the more I see myself for (were it not for God) who I really am, and "how" I really am.  I am not good enough...at anything.  In these times, doubt can pour into me like water through a scrim. 

At times, this is how I feel, but thank God our true feelings do not a Truth make.

There are other times, of course, when the scrim holds more tightly, but still the water drips.  I experienced this feeling several times during the past 2 weeks.  It last happened as I stood on stage, performing in the Tennessee Valley Art Association's Summerstock version of "Les Miserables".  While singing as a part of the ensemble, and surrounded by ridiculously talented musicians, I found myself wondering, "What am I doing here?".  The fact that I was there in the midst of these people made me doubt my own ability at all.

"Was I chosen as a favor to someone else?"
"Did they feel sorry for me?"
"Are all these people laughing at me?" 

These were honestly the thoughts going through my head.  The questions also ring out concerning more important things.

"Are you doing this adoption thing just to impress your friends?"
"Can you really be a good parent to an Ethiopian?"
"Are you sure this is the best use of your money?"

Here's the catch.  Whether at work, play, parenting, faith, or adoption, we usually doubt what we are ACTUALLY DOING.  While I was performing, I was doubting myself.  While I parent, I doubt myself.  While I am in the throws of adoption, I doubt myself.  While I walk with God, I doubt us both.  This is where "how I feel" collides with what is true.  The truth is that God, through His grace, gives us the ability to do anything good at all.

"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them" (Ephesians 2:10)  We are given the strength to live out God's purpose in our lives as we walk, not just before we start.  This is why Jesus is living water, rather than a stagnant cistern (Jeremiah 2:13).  Faith is not lived by how we feel, yea how we doubt.  It is lived by what we KNOW.  Maybe Paul states it better.

"Do I make my plans according to the flesh, ready to say "Yes, yes" and "No, no" at the same time?  As surely as God is faithful, our word to you has not been Yes and No.  For the Son of God, Jesus Christ, whom we proclaimed among you...was not Yes and No, but in Him it is always Yes.  For all the promises of God find their Yes in Him.  That is why it is through Him that we utter our Amen to God for His glory." (2 Corinthians 1:17-20)

In the face of all my doubts, these are the things I KNOW.

"By God's grace, I lived out a dream by performing in "Les Miserables"
"Because of Him, our children will turn out ok"
"By His power, our adoption will be how and when it should be"

...and God, please, no dreams of burning buildings.

Why Ethiopia?

I imagine people wonder how adoptive parents choose how they are going to adopt: domestically (privately or through foster care) or internationally.  When Brad and I first felt called to adoption, we pursued adopting a waiting child in the foster care system.  Every system has its pros and cons, but after we'd been licensed about a year, I started feeling a call towards international.  We knew a few people who had adopted internationally or were in the process.  Honestly, we thought adopting through the state would be quickest way to get our newest family member, but we started realizing that isn't necessarily the case.  We were truly touched by the foster children we were blessed to have in our home and our experiences have helped equip us for our upcoming adoption, but we also felt like one door after another closed for us in terms of finding a child through the foster system.  We started praying more about God's will for our family and still felt our call was to adopt.  Once we settled on international adoption, it was time to decide where.  After praying and researching our options (every country has different requirements), we decided Ethiopia was our call.  While we are still learning about Ethiopia and the people and culture, it is heartbreaking and startling how desperate the circumstances are there, especially for the least of these: the orphaned children.

According to a survey by UNICEF in 2011 (most of these numbers have shown great improvement in the past 10+ years):

• 1/11 children die before age 5
• 90% of the population doesn't treat their drinking water and in rural areas, 98.3% don't have access to drinking water on the premises, with over 62% having to travel 30 minutes or more to get water
• 95.2% in rural areas have no electricity
• 47% of the population is under 15 years old
• 19% of households have foster children and 12% have orphans (lost one or both parents)
• 52% of females and 38% of males NEVER went to school
• Literacy rates: 38% of females and 65% of males
• 27% of children aged 5-14 have been involved in child labor and <2% were paid
• Median age of 1st marriage: 16.5 years old for females and 23.1 years old for males
• Women average 4.8 births
• 77% of married women have the potential for a high risk birth
• Only 34% of women received prenatal care; 10% of births are delivered by a skilled provider
• 21% of newborns were classified as "very small" and 9% as "small" (only 5% are weighed)
• Just 24% of children 12-23 months old are fully vaccinated
• In children under age 5, 44% are stunted (too short for age), 10% are wasted (too thin for height) and 29% are underweight (too thin for age)
• 4.6 million children have lost one or both birth parents (total population is 73.8 million)

So if you were wondering why Ethiopia, I would ask, why not?

Psalm 68:5-6 A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.  God sets the lonely in families. . .