Blogging and Books

As I mentioned in my New Year’s post that, I have 5 goals/resolutions this year.  Within the first couple weeks of 2018 I have made progress towards 4 of 5!  Truly this is a God wink as I did not plan some of what has happened.

My first goal is to become more consistent in posting on my blog.  There is no specific reason; it is just something I decided to try.  My second goal is to read more books.  I have always loved reading, but the time I spend doing it varies with seasons in my life.  I have found that the times I don’t read as much are often not because I have no time but because I make no time.  I plan to keep a record of the books I read as well as books on my “to do” list.  See the tab at the top of my blog for more info.

I received some exciting news that only a book nerd would appreciate!  In the fall I applied to be part of a group that would receive an advance copy of the book Daring to Hope by Katie Davis Majors.   I had previously read her book Kisses from Katie, which played a role in our adoption journey.  I felt like I had won the jackpot when I learned I was part of the launch group.   In exchange for an advance copy, I agreed to help promote the book and to leave an honest review online.

Until last fall, I never knew it was possible to get free books by agreeing to read them and tell others what you think!  About a month ago WaterBrook & Multnomah, advertised they were searching for people to be on their 2018 Fiction Book Team.  The cool thing about this publisher, is they specifically promote Christian literature.  I got my notice today that I was chosen, which means I will have the opportunity to read several pre-release books this year!  I noticed many of the people chosen for these teams seem to have applicable credentials— they are missionaries in Africa (in the case of Daring to Hope) or librarians and book bloggers (in the case of this literary team).  I am so humbled and honored to be chosen and excited to read books that are hot off the press!  And did I mention that my favorite genre is fiction?!

Stay tuned for more information about the first book I will get to read for WaterBrook & Multnomah and check out the Book Tab on my home page to see what I’m reading.  My goal for the year is 60 books!

Brandon

When you have 5 kids, you get lots of experience choosing names for your children.  Our approach changed a bit over the past 14 years, as well as the types of names we liked.  I’m quite certain when I was pregnant with Brandon that the name Simon was never a contender, but times change and so did we.  Name trends come and go as well.  The past year I decided I wanted to have a Bible verse for each of my children.  The verses were chosen differently for each child and may change in the future, but I like having a verse when praying over each of my children.

As soon as we learned we were expecting our first child, I started searching for the perfect name.  I scoured books and movie credits and magazine articles for name ideas (this was before the internet was one’s first source for information— how ever did we survive?).  I came up with a girl name fairly easily.  It seemed there weren’t as many boy options that Brad and I could even agree to consider.  We didn’t want anything too trendy, and it seemed one of us (mainly me) had an aversion to many others.

We finally setttled on Brandon Elias.  At the time, Brandon was simply a name we both liked, but there was more to that story than we realized.  We chose Elias because it went well with Brandon, and it means “Jehovah is God.”

To know the rest of the story, you must know that Brad’s father passed away when Brad was 12.  After Brandon was born, Brad’s uncle made a comment about us naming our firstborn after the name of the elementary school where Brad’s father was principal when he died.  Brad had forgotten about the name of the school, but this information made his name much more special.  Within months of Brandon’s birth, we learned that the school was being closed.  We were able to visit that spring and even met several employees who remembered Brad’s father.

Brandon has really grown and matured in his faith the past couple years.  When he was younger, he was pretty stubborn and outspoken, even when it was in his best interest not to be.  He spent many extra minutes in time out in his room because he wouldn’t stop talking back.  The last time his Daddy spanked him for misbehavior, he had the gall to turn around and state “That didn’t hurt!”.

When Brandon was 8 we started the adoption process, and he was not a fan.  He didn’t want another sibling, and he especially didn’t want a brother!  As it turns out, many of the foster situations and many of the waiting children in Alabama were school-aged boys, which was too close for comfort for Brandon.  Our first foster placement was a toddler girl who was a legal risk placement who we thought we would be able to adopt.  She was fussing one day and someone said she must want her Mama (referring to me), and Brandon quickly responded, “That’s not her Mama.”  A couple weeks later, however, she was crying while I was stuck on a phone call.  I overheard Brandon comforting her by telling her that Mama would be right there.  Slowly as God worked in his life, I saw his heart softening to the idea of having a sibling who was not related to us biologically.  It wasn’t long after we brought Simon home that I saw how much Brandon had truly embraced his new brother.  It was their relationship that was the most precious and unexpected gift for me.

Brandon truly seeks to grow in his faith and study his Bible.  I have seen so much evidence of his growing relationship with God in his life: he is respectful and seeks ways to serve.  He is diligent with his schoolwork (and happens to be one of the smartest people I know).  He runs cross country, and while he isn’t a naturally fast runner, he continues to improve and attends meets and practices without complaint, even in the hottest part of the summer.  He shows patience with his youngest siblings at an age most teens would have no tolerance for a pesky baby brother and sister.  He sets a good example for all 4 of his younger siblings. Brandon doesn’t worry about what others may think.  He doesn’t care anything about being cool.  With him, you just take it or leave it. He is simply not ashamed.

With that in mind, I chose Brandon’s verse to be Romans 1:16

A New Year

We are on the verge of 2018 as I sit here guiltlessly eating leftover peppermint ice cream under my heated throw.  With the close of 2017 I tell myself I can start making up for the past 2 weeks of holiday indulges tomorrow...of course that is always tough to do when your first-born has a birthday on New Year’s Eve and the leftover cake is staring you down the next day.

The past couple weeks I have reflected on the past year:  the good, the bad, and the ugly, and have contemplated some things I’d like to work toward in 2018.  The past few years I’ve had a word of the year that grounded me, that I reflected on, that I sought to learn more, and that challenged me often through some tough lessons.  In the past my word has sort of chosen me, but in 2017 it just never really “stuck.”

2017 was good but tough...for our family it was a year of sacrifice: our time, our money, our relationships, our comfort, our pride.  Most of our sacrifices had both positive and negative elements to them.  At the end of the day, I have a loving husband and 5 beautiful children.  We both have good jobs that allow us to provide for our family.  Our God is sovereign over all, and I learn more each day how to live life with more grace, more patience, more humility, more love.

I’ve been pondering my word of the year for the past month or so but nothing was really standing out.    I thought I’d settled on one word, but then I saw this article titled, “Don’t Waste Your Weaknesses.”

https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/don-t-waste-your-weaknesses-in-2014

I’m sure it is based on John Piper’s book, Don’t Waste Your Life, which is a great read, by the way.  But the paradox of not wasting one’s weaknesses is intriguing and worth exploring.  The idea of having an entire year lends to the possibility that I can address many of my weaknesses 😳.  Because I spend the year learning about my word, I can’t elaborate much more at this point, but I typically start with scripture and create a board on Pinterest 😊

Other goals I set for myself this year:

To invest more time on hobbies and less on social media by:

1.  Blogging—I even updated our blog name now that we have more than “4 trees”

2.  Reading— I’be always loved to read but have periods where I do it more than others.  I still have a lot to learn so what better way than by something I enjoy anyway!  I plan to keep a list, try to read more books out of my comfort zone ( like classics), and try to tackle the pile of books on my bedside table that have been piled there forever.

3.  Learning to Crochet—I briefly researched the differences between knitting and crocheting and the latter seemed easier as a start.  I just decided I needed a talent of some sort.  I may hate it but I’ll give it this year to explore.

4.  Getting involved in a Charity— I have an idea but will post more when I know more.

5.  Planning a Family Trip— It is proving to be difficult to plan a vacation with elements of entertainment and relaxation for a family with 5 kids ranging from toddler to teenager.

I hope to update more on these things and the life lessons I learn along the way over the upcoming year.

The "Cocooning" Talk

We have been preparing to bring Annie home since last August.  We are so excited to make her a part of our family, but her homecoming will not look like that of a newborn coming home from the hospital or even like Simon's as a 3 month old.  Annie has spent the first 5 years of her life without a permanent family and has had multiple different care givers over her lifetime.  This means she won't really understand the role of Brad and I as her "Baba" and "Mama" and could view us for a time as another set of temporary care givers.

Annie's first few months home will be critical to bonding so that she understands Brad and I are who she should rely on to meet her needs, to establish trust, and to model to her what a family is.  Because of her background, we will be "cocooning" for a period of time, largely determined by Annie.  This means we will stay home more than usual to allow us to spend a lot of time together and to minimize overstimulation that can occur from all the changes. We have a lot of lost time to "recover" with her as her parents.

It is very important that those close to us understand and cooperate with our requests during this period of bonding.  Cocooning is a well researched topic in the adoption world.   It is very important that Brad and I be the ONLY people to meet Annie's needs during this time.  Children who have grown up with multiple care givers often demonstrate indiscriminate affection, which means they easily go to anyone to meet their needs.  While this behavior may be interpreted that Annie is adjusting well, it actually means the opposite.  Indiscriminate affection is a coping mechanism children display as a means of survival when they have learned that charming behavior or affection will help win their caregiver's favor.  For most of her life Annie has not had a traditional family unit modeled for her and will likely not understand the true role of us as her parents.  Therefore, we ask that if Annie comes to anyone other than Brad or I for requests, she be directed back to one of us.  This could include requests, such as a drink or snack, a hug, to be held, or to sit in a lap.

When we arrive home, Annie will be a very traumatized little girl.  Her whole world will have changed in an instant and she will be in a strange place with strange people (us). Children who are traumatized can display a wide variety of behaviors, from shutting down completely, to acting hyper, to laughing at inappropriate things, to anger.  She may lash out or she may show very little signs that she is upset.  Sadly, these are all totally "normal" behaviors of a child in her circumstances.  Brad and I have been through lots of training to help prepare us for this.  We understand that the child we meet in China and bring home is not a true representation of who she really is.  Please show her some grace, particularly the first few weeks/months home and feel free to talk to us privately if you have any questions or concerns.  While we expect she will speak little to no English, she will learn quickly and her comprehension (or understanding of what is being said) will occur before she is able to speak or express herself well.  Be aware she will understand what she is hearing around her before she can speak English herself.

We are so excited to meet Annie and to have her meet our friends and family!  We thank you for your understanding if our first weeks home look a little different.  Please see the links below for some additional insight into cocooning and older child adoption.

http://www.nohandsbutours.com/2015/09/09/cocooning/

http://abeautifulsymphony.com/cocooning-is-critical-part-2-of-metamorphosis-of-the-adopted-child/

http://www.lwbcommunity.org/realistic-expectations-attachment

http://www.lwbcommunity.org/realistic-expectations-post-adoption-struggles

Christmas Before Easter

Over 3 years ago in March 2013 Brad and I were still licensed foster parents.  One evening I came home to a 17 year old African American teenager sitting on our couch.  I'll never forget the look on his face--the fear and uncertainty that he tried hard to mask with indifference.  Over the next several weeks while he was a part of our family, he tried to prove he didn't need us to take care of him.  This child on the brink of adulthood was torn between believing he could fend for himself (as I suspect he had done for quite some time) and allowing himself to be vulnerable and cared for.  He was a good kid who'd just had some tough breaks in life.

Perhaps that is why the intense spiritual warfare that went on in our home while he lived with us was so unexpected.  Of all the things we feared when bringing an unknown teenager into our home, this was not one we really anticipated.  We had encountered spiritual warfare in foster care before, but this was truly a war for the truth to be evident in this young man's soul.  And during that period he was in our home, we lost the battle.  

A lot has happened in the years since.  We have reconnected with this young man and have continued to build a relationship with him.  Truthfully, I think of him like another son.  This weekend, I have seen the beginnings of an answered prayer that has been over 3 years in the making.  At 21 years old, he had never really had the opportunity to celebrate Christmas before, and this year he agreed to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with our family.  I pray we have shown him the joy of the season and modeled what a family is supposed to be like.  But mostly, I pray he comes to truly know Jesus like never before.  You see, that spring of 2013 he had agreed to attend church with our family on Easter, and it did not happen that Sunday or any since.  Given the circumstances, I have no doubt Satan was involved. . . but perhaps it was God's plan all along that we would have Christmas before we could get Easter.  Here's to new beginnings!

credit to Mrs. Beth for the photo--our family was in the balcony

Ransomed

We learned pretty early in our adoption process that Annie has a close bond to an older foster sister where she is living.  Recently, I saw a blog post advocating for this older girl's adoption.  I feel so sad for this girl, who has waited longer than most for her own family and seems so loving towards the younger children she is around.  It is such a tragedy that all these children who have already lost so much now have a price on their heads. Through no fault of their own, these children now have a high dollar adoption fee that must be paid in order to ransom them.  In our broken world there are too many individuals and entities who are corrupt or are looking to take advantage of a child in a hopeless situation, so our worldly solution has resulted in a taxing, lengthy, stressful, and costly adoption process to try to keep things ethical.  But isn't that again a picture of the gospel...of our redemption in Christ?  Couldn't Jesus have skipped those 33 years on earth and avoided the pain, sorrow, and disappointment that came with it?  Did He have to pay the price with His life?

We so often dismiss Christ's death on the cross as if it is nothing, but then scoff at the money it takes to complete an adoption.

How much is your life worth?  Your child's?  What would you pay and what length would you go to pay it?  Jesus certainly didn't take the easy way out for us.  Orphaned children are the most vulnerable helpless beings on earth. There is absolutely NOTHING that they can do to get out of their situation.  They need a redeemer, just like we all need the Redeemer.



 Our family could have done a lot with the money we have spent over the years on adoption.  If you knew how much we'd spent, I'm certain it would SHOCK you.  It amazes me to think about it, and honestly I couldn't tell you how we did it.  The numbers don't add up, but somehow God provided.  When we first started the process in 2011, we didn't really consider private (domestic or international) adoption because of the financial aspect.  We already had 3 children we were raising and couldn't imagine saving large sums of money.  But God ended up calling us to face EVERY single fear and reservation we had about adoption in the 4 years we waited for Simon.  For us, the Lord required total surrender and when we finally did, we had our child in our arms within a week.

So how have we done it?

First and foremost, but the grace of God.  People in the adoption world not-so-lovingly refer to the "adoption fairies."  This is the spiritual warfare that attacks in the form of financial crises, including lost jobs, costly home or car repairs, illnesses or surgeries, and anything else that diverts planned adoption funds to other avenues.  It is a given as a Christian family that you will face more of these types attacks during an adoption.  

We have made sacrifices financially.  Brad drives a car older than our son, who will turn 14 this month.  We have passed up opportunities for vacations, fancy clothes, the latest electronics, and other luxuries that we could have afforded otherwise.  We have not invested this "extra" money in retirement or college saving accounts.  We certainly haven't chosen the comfortable or easy route by adding to our family through adoption.  Matthew 6:20 tells us "But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven." There is nothing we could EVER buy that would be as rewarding as what adoption has done for our family.  We have been the lucky ones.  And the reality for children who don't grow up in families is heartbreaking.

Without adoption our son Simon would almost certainly not have received the medical care he has needed for his chronic ear infections or the intervention for his hearing loss.  Our daughter Annie, who is waiting for us, is 4 years old, but is the size of a small 1 year old.  These children aren't worried about whether they will have designer clothes or a trip to Disney World or a car when they turn 16.  These are first world luxuries.  Vulnerable children are worried about when their next meal will be.  In many parts of the world, survival is not a given, especially for orphans.  I have known multiple families in the adoption process whose child died of easily preventable or treatable causes before the family was able to complete the required steps to travel.  We have to know that God is in control, but time is not our friend in the adoption process.  There are always delays and hiccups and simply unexplained waits.  And sometimes these delays mean a child "ages out" and becomes ineligible to become legally adopted.  Know that vulnerable children who survive to adulthood do so without a personal advocate to ensure they receive the basic nutrition, nurturing, guidance, medical care, education, and life skills necessary to survive.

Mother Teresa said, "The poverty of being unwanted, unloved, and uncared for is the greatest poverty."

There are literally thousands of children in need of a family.  Their adoption paperwork is prepared, and they are patiently waiting their turn.  Could it be you God is calling to ransom them?

The Brutal and the Beautiful

We live in a strange world.  All around us, everyday, our senses and our lives face collisions from this odd place.

In one way, this place wears away at me, reminding me that there are still places where being the wrong color can be deadly, there are approximately 40 million lives thrown away to abortion each year, over half a million souls go homeless in the most prosperous country in the world, and of course, we are still embroiled in wars.  This world can be a brutal place.

Other times, of course, the world builds back, in tiny chunks, what it has torn away.  I've seen black and white praying together, I've seen the effects of medical missions, as they change life by doing things as simple as fixing teeth, there are Chinese women who care for literally dozens of orphans in one house, and, again, I see war.

Yes, there is beauty in war, and I was inspired to cite portions of the movie Hacksaw Ridge to exemplify how the brutal and the beautiful can meld, and how, specifically, these things relate to God and how He has also designed adoption to be the same way.

In the movie, Private Desmond Doss, becomes the first conscientious objector to win the Medal of Honor for his acts of bravery during the Battle of Okinawa, near the end of World War II.  In short, he served the US Army as a battlefield medic, going into battle without a weapon, and was instrumental in saving the lives of no less than 75 men over several days.  You can read more about his story here.

 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Desmond_Doss

Read his story and watch the movie.  You will find no shortage of brutality or beauty.  Here were my thoughts while viewing, based on some of the film's greatest scenes.

- Adoption is War -
     Anyone who has gone through the drudgery of the adoption process, whether domestic, international, or through foster care, can attest to the truth of being attacked on all sides. You will be attacked by Satan.  Attacks will range from your health, your family's health, your relationship with your extended family, your finances, your work schedule, your work security, breakdown of the adoption system, questioning your own motives, doubting God's timing, battling despair as you see the crushing need for more children who need forever families, the hustle of paperwork, travel plans, potential "what-if's" about your adopted child, etc. 
     I could go on, but you get the idea.  In Hacksaw Ridge, Private Doss was told to take off his medic arm badge, as the Japanese army took pride in killing medics.  He had become a target by becoming an agent of good.  The same goes for adoption.  Satan hates children and he hates families who want to help those children.  War is brutal, right?

- Adoption takes a Team -
     Private Doss valiantly braved the blood and guts (literally) of battle, dragging each wounded man he encountered to the edge of the 400' tall cliff, near the edge of the U.S. camp below.  He devised a rope system to lower the wounded down to camp.  When at the bottom, these men would be take off the rope and Private Doss raised it back up to find another.  In short, Doss braved the field, but those below supported his efforts.  Without both, nobody would've been saved.
  So it is with adoption.  Not everyone can (or should) be "out there" doing the adopting, but there must be a slew of others there waiting in the wings.  There must be supportive extended families, churches, Sunday School classes, schools and teachers, adoption professionals, medical professionals, and legal professionals.  Sadly, adoption is a complicated process, so the support of those "in the camp" is essential, or else the system breaks down.  Of course, when the system works, amazing things happen.

- Adoption is about Life and Death -
     On Hacksaw Ridge, thousands upon thousands of men died on the battlefield.  Desmond Doss saved 75.  By default, the work of an Army medic is anemic, at best.  War is inherently about death; it is only the exceptional parts which make some into heroes.  Doss testifies that he prayed continually through the night, "Lord, let me find one more."  The beauty in this request could fuel a dozen sermons.  Here's the thing, though.  Private Doss's faith in God was the driving force to do this amazing thing, and he prayed that God would do it through him one man at a time, and yet he would leave thousands behind.
     Adoption is often heartbreaking because you know that you can't adopt every child.  Simply put, adoption is about life or death.  And here's something you won't read on many adoptive blog sites.  There will be thousands of children who are born, live, and die without ever gaining a forever family.  They will be left on the cursed battlefield of this Earth, and suffer the consequences of the effects of sin on this world of ours, not as punishment for their sins, mind you, but simply because we live in a world full of sin, hurt, and pain.  We Christians are called to tread this earth, and to be in the world but not of it, and to therefore, be instruments to rescue the perishing one life at a time.
     Jesus went after 1 in 99.  He went after you and me.  We must look adoption in the face, and see it not as a global issue, but a personal one.  Adoption is like a pair of eyes; look hard enough, and you'll see yourself.  Oh, that God would raise up a great army of  soldiers to join in the cry, "Lord, let me find one more"!

- Adoption is worth it -
     When Private Doss lowered those wounded men to the ground, he did so with rope, without gloves, and often very quickly.  Of course, this meant serious rope burn.  He was bloodied, tired, caked with dirt, and (eventually) wounded himself.  The movie portrays this ordeal as incredibly intense, almost hypnotic, so much that when he comes back to camp, Doss is still on edge, jumpy, and hyper-alert.
     Soon thereafter, one of his commanding officers is led to the makeshift hospital which had been set up in camp and asks, "Who did all this?".  The answer came back, "Doss....". 
     Adoption is often painful.  It can make you feel like crap, and, on some days, even look like crap.  Getting it done and completed is an ordeal.  After the brutality of all the worrying, second guessing, waiting, paying, signing, notarizing, paying again, and legalizing are over, though, to look back and see the outcome makes you believe anew that the greatest things are always the hardest on some, and free to others.  To reminisce on the pain, in light of the reward, is to know that it was all worth it!

     Desmond Doss was a hero.  He went to war and risked his life for the life of another over and over and over again.  In the end, though, he did his duty.  Was it amazing?  Yes, of course!  Funny though, I don't think I've ever heard a hero admit that what he or she did was heroic.  It's also funny how doing what you are ordered to do puts you in the position to look like a hero.  "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans...." (James 1:27).  You, reader, are called to do this in one way or another, and it. is. always. worth. it.
     I'm reminded, though, every earthly "hero" is only a shadow of the one true hero.  He lived a beautiful life and died a brutal death, and was raised to a new life or imperishable beauty, which He has granted to all who believe.  The true hero receives the ultimate glory. This is the ultimate end of Hacksaw Ridge, every adoption story, every human being, all brutality, and all beauty.  I think Desmond Doss would agree....