Staring in the Mirror

I’m a bit weird. Really.

Have you ever really thought about yourself?  Who are you, really?  If not, here’s an exercise.

 Tomorrow morning, as you approach the mirror, like you do every day, look back into the eyes there.  Usually when we use a mirror, we are looking only at hair, teeth, or clothes.  Am I right?  Instead of seeing the details, I challenge you to consider the person in your mirror.  When others think of (your name here), this is the face they see.  Those are the eyes they consider when they hear your name, or answer your call, or respond to you on Facebook.  This is your body, your shell…but is it “you”?  Now just sit and look for a while, taking in that “you” are indeed this figure in your mirror.  It’s weird, I know.  It’s also kind of freaky if you consider too long.  It’s like you’re trapped in this body, good or bad, but the point is this; it’s not really “you”.

Emily and I took the kids to my step-grandmother’s visitation tonight and we discussed “where” she is now.  She was not still in her body, that too small shell that lay in the casket before us.  So where is she?  Micah kept asking whether she was just asleep, and when she’d wake up, etc.  Of course, we tried to explain that our bodies are not really who we are, but rather that they hold our souls, until God takes them to Himself (or otherwise).

 Here’s the point; thinking about yourself is hard.  Trying to tell someone who the real “you” is takes a lot of work  In the adoption process, they make you do it all the time!

Honestly, how many of us have written an autobiography?  How many of us have taken a picture of each room in our house and sent them to a stranger?  How many of us have filled out a family tree?  How many of us (you’ll love this one) have drawn a “Community Tree”, illustrating the relationships in our lives, while identifying certain people with “!” and other with “X”.  Yeah, I figured on that last one.

Here are some of the questions we’ve come across.

 

          “Does my spouse want this adoption as much as I do?  Explain.”

          “Do your parents support you in this process?  Elaborate”

          “Do you feel like a rescuer?  Why or why not”

          “Name some of your strengths and weaknesses. Explain.”

          “Will you feel embarrassed with a child of a different race? Explain.”

          “Would you ever leave your spouse or consider divorce? Why?”

 

 It gets overwhelming at times, and we have just started!  I’ve had to tell more about myself in the past few months than I ever have in my life, and we’ve had two house closings in the past 10 years!  This is one thing I’ve learned from the process; the more you write, the more you can describe yourself.  Those “Explain”s after every question become annoying, but our adoption agency is tediously forcing us to drag ourselves out of ourselves (if that makes any sense).  That same agency is going to read all the stuff I write about myself and those around me, and tell me whether they believe me enough to allow a child from across the globe to come live at my house.  Using only a few pictures, and enormous piles of writing, I have to actually make them believe my testimony about myself.

I’m reminded of a couple of scriptures.

           “For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities – his eternal power and divine nature – have been clearly seen being understood form what has been made, so that men are without excuse.” – Romans 1:20

 God has given us a picture of Himself.  The world, indeed the universe, is simple (if that’s possible) a testimony of God’s greatness.  Why did God make the stars of the constellation Orion, which are light years apart, line up to form the figure of a man?  Why did God give us eyes that can literally see light years away, even if we can’t read a billboard 100 yards in front of us?  Why did God create such a vast place as our universe, where there’s so much “wasted space”?  Part of the reason is that God wanted to show us all as much of Himself as possible.  God is huge, vast, full of energy, and the one whose hand flung this uncountable number of stars into their exact places.

           “When the LORD finished speaking to Moses on Mount Sinai, he game him       the two tables of the Testimony, the tablets of stone inscribed by the finger    of God” – Exodus 31:19

 God has written about Himself.  This verse closes 11 entire chapters of God’s instructions for His people, and this didn’t even really include the entire Law, which He would give soon later.  Why did He write so much?  Why did He get so detailed?  Part of the reason is that God wanted to show Moses as much of Himself as possible.  God is complex,  precise, detailed, unflinchingly holy, and absolutely perfect.  The Law itself speaks to God’ view of Himself, and the impossibility of “being perfect as He is perfect”.

God gives us copious amounts of writing about Himself, and God has given us copious amounts pictures of Himself.  These two come together in the man Jesus Christ.

 He is the picture of God.

           “He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation.” – Colossians 1:15

 He is the writing of God.

           “In the beginning was the Word, and Word was with God, and the Word was God” – John 1:1

This is the testimony that God gives of Himself, and I believe it.  I’ll be praying that my (our) testimony is deemed believable until God reveals His word in us, and in our fourth tree.

So who are you?  Have fun staring in that mirror….

From the Mouths of Babes

Tonight when I was in the car taking Micah to dance class, we were just talking.  She says some thought-provoking things sometimes, so I just threw it out there and said, "Micah, how do we teach T about Jesus?"  She answered with, "What do you mean?"  And I responded, "T doesn't know Jesus."  Her answer was simply, "Jesus is God."

I was speechless because that pretty much summed it up.  T has been attending a Jehovah's Witness church (or Kingdom Hall as they call it).  After my extensive research on their beliefs, Micah's statement was the biggest chasm between their beliefs and Christianity.  They do not believe Jesus is God.

So on the way home, with both girls in the car, we were talking about Jesus again (one of Micah's favorite topics).  She commented how Jesus died on the cross to "give us" (forgive us) our sins.  That rolled into a topic of what sin is.  Later in the conversation, Micah commented that Jesus climbed onto the cross all by Himself.  I told her that was so true because Jesus allowed himself to be sacrificed for us.  I love having these car ride talks with her because it is amazing the insight a three-year-old can have on topics that many adults don't completely understand.

Please continue to pray for T that the Holy Spirit might move in him and he will realize that Jesus was more than a man!

John 10:17-18 The reason my Father loves me, is that I lay down my life-only to take it up again.  No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord.  I have authority to lay it down and authority to take it up again.  This command I received from my Father.

One Week in April

Emily and I have quickly learned a hard truth spoken by a wise friend of ours.  He said something like, "When your life seems like it's falling apart around you, that's a sign that God is at work too."  Though we haven't been personally affected by the last seven days, it has affected us deeply nonetheless.  To put it bluntly, the past week was hard!

We know that God calls His children to hard things (like adoption!) so that He can show Himself mighty in them in spite of our weaknesses.  Several folks around us have shown that they know this truth as well.  I decided to tell the story of this week in my own way.

7 DAYS

 

The first day was alive,

Vigorous with worshippers, eager to thrive

On the Truth, raised from the dead

In flesh and blood, just as he said

He would.  By His temple torn

And tattered, the sons of God were born

Into eternal life.  The first day is always the beginning

Of the end of death, and the start of God’s winning

Another battle in the war that is already won,

There was evening, and there was morning.  The first day was done.

 

The second day was for Fools.

Laughter and games and smiles are tools

In the hands of friends and families, growing

Closer by every smile shot from faces showing

Slightly twisted branches, heavy with the fruit

Of love, joy, and peace.  The loot

That is plucked from such a day is neverending,

Or so it may seem when God is sending

His blessings in the packages of fun.

There was evening, and there was morning.  The second day was done.

 

The third day brought death

And an appreciation for every breath

That God gives to these shells.  I am but a vapor.

What was the good?  Why did our Father take her

Instead of an old man, or a crook, or me?

The answer lies here.  We are not meant to see

Such things in our state.  God is the one who gives

And takes and gives back.  This I know; she lives.

Our Lord gave her a race. Because of Him, she has won.

There was evening, and there was morning.  The third day was done.

 

The fourth day was dark.

The shadow of death lingered in stark

Contrast to Sunday’s light.  How would he

Make it?  How would they all see

How much she cared?  On days like this

God seems to dwell in the background, a wish

Under one’s breath for things to change.  Yet

God calls us to walk in the shadow until our needs are met.

The Lord is our shepherd.  Our needs are none.

There was evening, and there was morning.  The fourth day was done.

 

The fifth day was a promise broken

Deeds done and words spoken

Cannot be returned to hand or tongue.

And so, even God’s children can be stung

By the fall and its obligatory consequence – sin.

Does this mean that the King of the Universe can’t win

In men and wives, children and lives, or love?

Sin is a reminder.  God has made a promise above

Feelings, either good or bad.  His love cannot be undone.

There was evening, and there was morning.  The fifth day was done.

 

The sixth day brought relief

When the branches exhaled from a grief

Avoided.  My soul called to the Lord to ask,

“How many other times have you delivered me past

These petty worries and fears I wear like a beast

Of burden, with my face to the ground?”  Too often, I feast

On that which is not real bread

Partaking of the world instead

Of you, my Lord.  Lift up my head to the Son!

There was evening, and there was morning.  The sixth day was done.

 

The seventh day…rest.

Have we been cursed or blessed

By the weight of God’s hand resting on us so strong?

Teach us, O Lord! Do not tarry long

In showing us your ways - by deaths and lives.

Teach us your purpose through husbands and wives.

Sing over us the song of the redeemed

So that we might trust that when all seemed

Out of our hands, it was in Yours. Days are precious; You make each one.

There was evening, and there was morning.  The seventh day was done.

 

The first day was alive….

Life is getting busier already

So, we took the plunge and are in the midst of the home study process for our adoption.  We are working on the literally hundreds of pages of instructions, paperwork, background checks, and required reading and training necessary for an international adoption.  It really feels almost overwhelming when we see how far we have to go.  I started looking yet again at the payments required to complete this process and thought, "What have we done?"  Then, I remember this is God's call for our family and feel some peace.  I can't blame all, or even most, of the recent turmoil on the adoption process.

I alluded to our foster care journey in my initial post.  Let me give a little more background.  Brad and I are licensed foster care parents, so we had completed the State required adoption paperwork and requirements back in the fall of 2011.  When we'd been licensed almost a year, I started feeling a pull towards international.  Nothing was happening on the foster-adopt front.  We had no real prospects or communication with the state about potential matches.  I started researching international adoption and really praying about it on a family vacation to Disney World in December 2012.  Brad and I spent much of our travel time on the way home discussing it.  Within an hour of arriving home, we got a message from our social worker that our home study had been pulled for a potential match.  I mean, we haven't heard A THING from the state all year!  So long story short, it took about a month with the Christmas holidays to get all the details about the child the state was considering for us.  Unfortunately that match, a teenage girl, fell through when her current foster parents decided to pursue her adoption.  So by mid-January we were back to square one yet again.  Even though I still believed God lead us to foster adoption first, I really questioned our purpose in taking that road since all we'd done is hit multiple dead ends through failed potential matches and children we'd inquired about online.

We talk to some couples who have done international adoption or are in the process.  I contacted a couple adoption agencies and we selected Lifeline.  The SAME day we faxed in our initial application  and paid the $250 application fee online, we get a call from DHR.  Brad followed up and the social worker wanted to know if we would take a teenage boy for one night.  We decided to help out "this one last time" as we had not told DHR of our new plan yet.  The boy touched our hearts and the next morning, we told the social worker he could stay longer if needed.  So, that afternoon, he moved in.

We don't know where this will lead or how long he will stay at this point.  This is a new road for us because our goal has always been adoption and that is not necessarily the plan for this child due to his age.  He is a good kid who's had a tough life.  He is slowly warming up to our family.  There are virtually no significant issues with him (which is a true rarity in foster care) except the biggest one of all for us.  He is not a Christian.  This has been the source of my stress for almost 2 weeks now.  It isn't that he hasn't been exposed to a faith at all.  He is deeply embedded in another faith (or cult as some assert) which teaches that all the differences between what we believe and what he believes is of Satan.  I know that only God can do the work to change his mind, but I find myself constantly evaluating if I should be doing things differently or saying more to help him realize why Jesus is the one and only Savior.  This is truly a stressful situation that has challenged me in ways I was not prepared.

Our plea at this point is to pray for this child, that he will come to know the Truth.  That he will see Jesus in our family and want to know more. . . John 14:6 and John 14:10

The Beginning

Brad and I were the beginning of our 4 trees.  We met in 1995, before we started our freshman year of college, and started dating February 14, 1996.  Exactly 3.5 years later on August 14, 1999, we got married.  In 2002, we welcomed our first "tree," Brandon.  Lauren, our second "tree," arrived in 2005 and we wondered if maybe our family was complete. . . until we realized we were expecting Micah, our third "tree" who arrived in 2010.  Our family was finally whole. . . or so we thought.  In August 2011, Brad and I mutually discovered we'd been feeling a tugging in our hearts to add to our family through adoption.  We prayed and agreed that this was God's call.  Shortly after, we started inquiring about adoption through the foster care system.  By the end of December 2011, we were licensed.  We had 3 short-term placements over the next 7 months but we were still seeking a permanent adoptive placement.  We inquired about several children we saw on Heart Gallery but nothing worked out.  (More about our foster care journey later as there have been some updates since I originally wrote this in early March.)


After more prayer, discussion, research and even more prayer, here we are.  We are embarking on a new path along our adoption journey. . . international adoption from Ethiopia.  Lately, our youngest, Micah, has been telling me she is a big sister.  I know she thinks (even with her tiny body) that she is "big" but perhaps she knows something I don't yet.  It is possible right now that there is a child somewhere in the world who has been conceived or even born that is ours and has already made Micah a big sister.

Now to the story of the trees:

In 2010, I told Brad that I wanted him to create some artwork to cover a HUGE wall in our living room.  So for Christmas that year, he gave me 3 paintings of our little "trees".  A different tree represents each child, as explained in this poem Brad wrote: 

TREES

The first tree is hearty and ever
Green.  Waxy leaves never
Dampen until they fall in heaps
Below its pinnacle steep
In the sky.

The boy is as such, ever alive

Growing and sprouting - he thrives
On the knowledge of the world
And ever spirals about, unfurled
With more and more leaves that fall
And litter the ground with all
Of God's blessings to us.

The second tree is soft and sweet

With arms all about that keep
The rainfall dripping instead
Of gushing on your head
As one rests in its shadow.

The girl is as such, fair

And gauzy, translucently she wears
Her feelings and her love.
Her gentility is far above
Her years and her smile lights
Up the darker, too-manly corners of her father, right
Up to the top of his soul, and he is thankful.

The third tree is young, yet vivid

Even fiery, with its sharp and splendid
Clothes that God allows it to wear
A few weeks each year,
Before He strips it bare with sleep.

The little girl is as such, small

Immature, yet endowed with all
The glory of God's laugh
When He pours out His sweet cup on those who have
Counted their blessings and thought
They were done.  For these, God has bought
The fiery brilliance of being surprised by joy.

Brandon is our magnolia.  When he was born, our house (at the time) had 3 large magnolia trees in the yard.  Micah is our maple. Brad had her sugar maple tree planted in our new home's front yard before I came home from the hospital after delivering Micah.  Lauren is our ginkgo. A couple weeks ago, we had a ginkgo tree planted for her.

This brings us to our fourth tree.  We do not yet know about this tree, but it has a home in both our hearts and our yard.  Our family strives together, looking forward to how and where God plants it.

Just tonight (March 6, 2013), Brad and I were discussing names for our journal/blog. As the conversation turned to "trees," Brad recalled a song he had heard recently.  He only remembered that it was about trees, but when I read the lyrics, this "coincidence" quickly became an affirmation of this next step in our search.  My family and friends know that I don't believe in "coincidences" because with God there is no such thing.  After reading these lyrics, we agreed that our journal/blog should rightly be named "Our Four Trees".

Planting Trees by Andrew Peterson
We chose the spot, we dug the hole
We laid the maples in the ground to have and hold
As Autumn falls to Winters sleep
We pray that somehow in the Spring
The roots grow deep

And many years from now
Long after we are gone
These trees will spread their branches out
And bless the dawn

He took a plane to Africa
He gathered up into his arms
An orphan son

So many years from now
Long after we are gone
This tree will spread its branches out
And bless the dawn

So sit down and write that letter
Sign up and join the fight
Sink in to all that matters
Step out into the light
Let go of all that's passing
Lift up the least of these
Lean into something lasting
Planting trees

She rises up as morning breaks
She moves among these rooms alone
Before we wake
And her heart is so full; it overflows
She waters us with love and the children grow

So many years from now
Long after we are gone
These trees will spread their branches out
And bless the dawn
These trees will spread their branches out
And bless someone