3 Months later

Simon has been with us for 3 months today.  I returned to work a little over a week ago and life has been crazy!  In some ways it seems like forever ago that we were on a plane to Hawaii to get Simon, and in others, I wonder where the time has gone.  Almost 2 weeks ago we finalized Simon's adoption.  He is now 100% a member of our family!  We are overjoyed to have that comfort because honestly, the past couple months there were times when we doubted that.  We have been praying and pursuing and saving for adoption for 4 years now and there have been moments in the past few weeks when we wondered if we were going to lose it all.  Simon has been a perfect fit for our family, and I pray we have been that for him.  He is happy and thriving, so I feel like he understands that we are "his people.". We have a family portrait on the wall that was taken almost 5 years ago.  It wasn't long after that we started trying to add to our family through adoption.  We have not updated that picture because we kept thinking it wouldn't be long before we had a new family member and could update the picture (which we hope to do soon).  Simon loves looking at that picture.  Micah is a baby so I'm not sure if he recognizes her but if we ask him, "Where's Simon's family?" he looks to that picture and smiles and gets excited.  It is so sweet.

A little recap on what's been going on:  About a month after we took custody of Simon, we received word that AL ICPC was not accepting some of the documents in Simon's packet.  They wanted a couple documents redone, namely the birth mother consent and the medical/social history on the birth family needed to be taken by a social worker.  This was all complicated by the fact that Simon's birth mother was no longer in Hawaii, where she delivered Simon.  She had returned to Arkansas, where she lives, and she does not speak much English, all which made getting in touch with her and communicating this mess difficult.  Plus, who wants to go back to the birth mom and ask her if she will redo her consent for the adoption?  What if she takes this as an opportunity to try to get Simon back?  I freaked out.

Our attorney in Hawaii, who we have NOT been happy with due to numerous issues that would take too long to get into, told us we needed to hire an adoption attorney in Alabama to help us.  So, we called a recommended attorney, and he began to sift through the mess.  He then referred us to an attorney in Arkansas.  We needed one there to help coordinate our birth mom's re-consent, and it was learned that if she would re-consent in Arkansas, we could actually finalize a few days later.  This plan was the "easiest" and quickest and most cost effective rather than trying to meet the Alabama requirements and then still having to go through finalization here.  As you can imagine, having 4 attorneys (we actually had 2 in Arkansas) made things difficult as well (isn't there a joke somewhere about how many attorneys does it take to complete 1 adoption?).  Our Hawaii attorney ended up causing a lot of confusion by chiming in with contradictory and incorrect information (which is not good when you are paying other attorneys hourly).  At no time did Simon's birth mom ever say she wanted him back, BUT due to other factors that were not disclosed to us by the attorney in Hawaii prior to getting Simon about his birth mom's situation, she did not want to re-consent in Arkansas.  She did, however, agree to do this for us, which we are SO grateful for.  On September 4, Simon's birth mom re-consented before the judge.  There was a waiting period so she had the following week to revoke her consent.  Even though we had no reason to believe she would do so, we were still nervous until the time was up.

Our finalization hearing was set for Monday, September 14.  The Sunday before we got up around 3 am to make the 7 hour drive to Fayetteville, Arkansas.  When we arrived, it was too early to check-in to our hotel so we went for lunch and to explore.  We took a picture in front of a courthouse, but learned the next day it was the wrong one!  Apparently Fayetteville has multiple courthouses downtown!



Later that afternoon we got to finally meet Simon's birth mom, her 3 year old son, her brother and his girl friend, and her neighbor, who came along in part because she spoke the best English.  It was so nice talking with them.  They explained to us that in their culture, when a child is adopted, the adoptive parents become "Mom" and "Dad" and the birth mom is then referred to as "Grandma.". We thought that seemed unusual since we are older than Simon's birth mom, but we confirmed that is how she wants to be known to him.  She was so excited to see Simon but very respectful that he was "ours.".  Simon looks like a miniature version of her 3 year old son.  He was well behaved and kind of shy and quiet.



Monday morning we met our attorney at the courthouse for Simon's finalization.  He sat and down and informed us that according to the law, Simon was "stateless.".  Because his birth mom delivered him in Hawaii and left him there while she returned to Arkansas, Simon did not quite meet the requirements to finalize in Arkansas as this was his first time to actually be in Arkansas.  He told us that he was guessing we had a 60% chance of the judge agreeing to finalize the adoption.  The problem was that Alabama and Arkansas did not recognize Simon as a resident of Hawaii either.  While our attorney went into the judge's chambers to discuss our circumstances, Brad and I prayed yet again.  Because we had SO many glitches throughout this ENTIRE process, I came to Arkansas fully expecting there to be some sort of problem.  Thankfully, due to a merciful judge and all the work on behalf of our attorneys in Arkansas, as well as their reputation as ethical attorneys, the judge quickly agreed to go forward with finalization.  We followed our attorney into the judge's chambers and within a few minutes, it was done!  It was such a relief!

 



We stayed the rest of the day to have more time with Simon's birth mom.  This time we went to her apartment and visited a little.  The following morning we got up at a more reasonable hour and traveled the 7 hours back home.  That was Tuesday, and I returned to work Thursday.  I worked 2 partial days that week, which was a good transition back for me and for Simon starting daycare.  He seemed to transition well!  Unfortunately, the cold he had from the week prior (that we had him on antibiotics for) was worse by this past Monday morning, so Brad took him back to the doctor.  Poor baby had a double ear infection and upper respiratory infection.  He had no ear symptoms, but the cough and congestion combined with steroids and a second stronger antibiotic has made for a tough week for all.  Simon isn't sleeping well, which means neither are we. 

Please keep Simon in your prayers that he will get well soon.  Also, keep his birth mom in your prayers for peace and comfort in her adoption plan and for her many financial burdens.

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Monday Brad and I traveled with Simon to Children's in Birmingham to have Simon's hearing retested.  He failed 2 newborn hearing tests and had an Auditory Brainstem Response (ABR) test in Hawaii but the test was not completed.  Based on those results, an ENT in Hawaii recommended hearing aids, but due to the fact the ABR test was missing some results, it was recommended he be re-screened.  Because they needed him still and quiet for the test, we were asked to keep him awake prior to testing so that he would hopefully sleep for the test.  Anyone ever tried to intentionally keep a 4 month old awake on a 2 hour drive in the car?

After debating the best approach to this, we left a little early so that we could allow Simon to sleep some on the trip down--of course we didn't even know for sure that he would sleep.  Luckily, he dozed a little bit and was awake before 11 am.  He didn't get fussy until about 12:40 (our appointment was at 1:00 pm).  He was also due a bottle, but it was recommended to feed him once we were called back to help him sleep.  Poor baby was hungry and tired and fussy those last 30 minutes, but it worked out well.  He slept for most of the test and the audiologist was able to get the results she needed.  Basically, the test involved sticking electrodes on his forehead and behind his ears and then putting something in each ear to transmit the different sounds.  Everything was hooked up to a computer to see if his brain processed the sounds.  They also tested to confirm that the hearing issues were not related to the physical structures in his outer or middle ears.  I think the worse part was pulling the electrodes off after the test.



His testing confirmed that he does have mild sensorineural hearing loss.  Basically, Simon can hear normal conversational speech but not whispers, and the speech he hears may sound muffled.  We were told without hearing aids, Simon would probably have some speech issues because some of the letter sounds in higher frequencies are not heard clearly with his type of hearing loss.  This was not a surprise to us, as this is basically what we had been told from the start with Simon.  So the next step will be getting him fitted for hearing aids.  I am so grateful his hearing is not worse that it is.  He is a pretty loud and verbal baby so hopefully with hearing aids, there will be no significant "catching up" to do.



Foster, International, and Domestic Adoption all in 1! And why adoption laws need reform

We have had Simon for 6 weeks now.  Looking back, we can see how much he has changed in that time.  Physically, he has grown a couple pounds or so.  He has learned to use his hands and discovered his feet.  He is rolling over and even trying to crawl.  He has gained more trunk and head control.  He has started tasting foods--I say tasting because he doesn't seem to like baby food, but is very interested in what we are eating and seems more open to tasting "real" food.

Emotionally, he has become more trusting of us.  He is attaching very well and seems to know that we are "his people.". He shows preference to us and is clearly secure as long as he is with us.  He looks at me while he is taking his bottle and likes for me to talk to him during those times.  He recognizes what little semblance of a routine we have now and clearly shows preference to that.  He is much more content and "happy" than when he was first placed with us.  He laughs and loves playing with us and his siblings.  He loves looking at a family portrait hanging on the wall taken 5 years ago.  He has even gone from wanting to be held ALL the time to showing contentment in small periods of time alone (when he wakes up in his crib).  Most of the time, he "acts" just like my biological children did at his age.

Tonight I went to the store (alone) and was thinking about our adoption journey.  I was remembering our transition from foster care to international to domestic adoption as we sought to add to our family.  In each of those, we gained education and training and made connections with other families who had adopted via those channels.  In foster and domestic, we now have first-hand experience.  I had often questioned and wondered why our journey to adopt had taken so many turns.

Now that we have Simon, I can finally see why.  Yes, he is a domestic adoptive placement.  He was born in the United States.  But his birth parents came to the US from the Marshall Islands and live in a community that has very much maintained a lot of their traditions and culture.  Simon's birth mother does not speak fluent English and still maintains ties to her native country (citizens of the Marshall Islands are allowed to live and work in the US in a nonimmigrant status without a visa due to the Compact of Free Association).  We have seen some of the cultural differences, particularly in how the Marshallese define "family."  Our international adoption training has been really beneficial to help us honor that connection to his birth parents' nationality.  Simon was in a private foster care setting for his first 3 months.  Definitely we have seen adjustments on his part due to having 3 mothers in his first 3 months of life.  I wouldn't have understood or known what to expect with some of the behaviors we have seen in him had I not had training and experience with foster children.  So in getting Simon, we got a foster child through a domestic adoption with an international birth family.

Everything is going really well with Simon adjusting to our family and our family adjusting to Simon.  We love him so much!  But there has been a dark cloud the past few weeks on our adoption.  Because Simon was not from Alabama, we were required to go through ICPC to bring him home.

What is the purpose of the ICPC?

According to the Association of Administrators of the Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children, “The primary purpose of the ICPC is to ensure that children placed out-of-state are placed with care-givers who are safe, suitable and able to meet the child’s needs. The ICPC requires an assessment of these factors before a child is placed out-of-state. Individual state statutes are not enough to ensure that such an assessment takes place prior to placement, because the authority of an individual state and its statutes ends at the state’s border. As a legally binding agreement between all states, the ICPC ensures that children enjoy a uniform set of protections and benefits regardless of which state they are moving to or from. While there are a blanket set of requirements for an ICPC, some states have additional requirements.

 

 After Alabama ICPC required documents not in our packet and not easily attainable, we requested they give us provisional approval to bring Simon home.  We are in a bind.  Simon's birth mother signed consent for his adoption in the hospital (almost 3 months before we got him).  We are in regular contact with her and she calls us his "mom" and "dad" and our children his "sisters and brother".  Brad and I went through all the required clearances, home study, training, and jumped through all the hoops required to be approved for adoption (we actually did it three different times--see above).  But due to some inconsistencies in adoption requirements between different states, we are "stuck" in a purely legal loophole.  ICPC is supposed to protect adoptive children moving across state lines but all it has done is caused us a TON of stress and resulted in us hiring and consulting 4 additional attorneys in 2 states (this is not counting the attorney in Hawaii who arranged the adoption).

We are wracking up unexpected legal fees all in the name of "protecting" Simon.  Which is also ironic because had we cleared ICPC, we would have had required visits by our social worker to check on him, but since we are in limbo, that has not happened.  Do you see the irony?  Alabama is requiring additional paperwork that may be impossible for us to get, but we are trying (which is why the legal fees are adding up).  We are at the mercy of Alabama's interpretation of ICPC (which varies by state even though the whole point of it was to have all the states in agreement) and/or Alabama's adoption requirements.  Typically, an adoption cannot be finalized if you have not "cleared" ICPC.

Just so you know, if I was a crackhead mother and had a baby and decided to place the baby with my aunt in another state who I'd never met and had no idea if she was a suitable parent (she could be a hoarder with 30 cats in a trailer home), guess what?  ICPC would not be involved to protect that baby for the simple reason that I am placing the baby with a "relative."  The whole thing just blows my mind and I could go on and on forever about the ridiculousness of it all.  So, my point in telling you this is, PLEASE pray for us.  There is nothing more we can do at this point.  Half of my maternity leave is now past and the majority of my time home has been spent filling out retainers for attorneys and going through different "what if" scenarios with them.

Seeking God's Face

I was convicted the other day.  I was listening to "More and More of You", a new song from Selah.  Now this is not a new thing for me.  I enjoy their music and listen to it often while I work.  Of course, every now and then, I'll come across a new release or a song I've never heard them sing.  This was one of them, so I gave it a try.  The first lines busted me up.

"We have had enough of getting everything we want.

We have given up on living this life just for us.

Oh, forgive us all for seeking your hand and not your face."

You know that feeling when something strikes you, almost as if on the face.  You stop listening and start thinking.  My first thought was, "That's been me lately".  Honestly, it's been me too much for the past several years, and lots of that has to do with this adoption.  

God's calling is a funny thing at times.  He calls you to something wonderful (like adoption), and He knows the beginning and the end.  We don't have that privilege, which is why God calls us to faith.  Well, as time goes on and on, this calling of His begins to occupy your thoughts more and more.  He calls us to wait patiently.  At times, we do wait on the LORD.  At other times, we want Him to hurry up.  The trick is this; over time the fixation turns to God's call, rather than God Himself.  

My face, upturned in the beginning, said "Yes" to this great call out of adoration for Jesus and His word.  As I was made to wait (in His perfect time), my face began to sink down to "what He can give me" rather than Who He is.  In short, there were times when I made an idol out of God's call and what He could give me.  

This is the essence of that Selah lyric, and God spoke to me through it.  I have, too often, been seeking God's hand instead of His face.

Here's the trick, though.

Simon has reinforced this for me.  In the beginning, Simon didn't even know us.  I doubt he really even cared at the time.  We, as his loving parents, who had been waiting and fighting for 4 years, were finally there to take him in and call him our own.  Emily and I wanted to know Simon.  We had dreamed of how it would be when we saw him for the first time, when he would walk for the first time, what his first word would be, etc, etc, etc.

He wanted food and to be carried around.  That was it.

Baby Simon, not knowing us, was looking to what our hands could give him, rather than looking for our face in order to know us.  I've been the same way.

Now that we've had him for a month, things are beginning to change quite a bit.  When I come home from work, he perks up when he sees me.  He looks into our eyes as we are feeding him.  He laughs (sort of) when he sees the tickle fingers coming.  Simon has come to know us better, and because of that, he is learning to look us first, and then happily accept what we have to give him (which is everything!).

I'm looking to the example of my 4 month old son.  He is desiring to know us first, and look to what we can give him afterward.  I figure that I should be doing the same to my adoptive Father.  Therefore, I've done quite a bit of confessing in the past weeks.  I'm trying to allow my time in prayer to lift my head above God's hands and up to His glorious face.

Then I remembered.  There's a blessing that God gave His people when they were in need.  He gave it to the priests while the nation of Israel wandered in the desert.  God wanted to bless His people, and He did not mention food, shelter, deliverance, or comfort a single time.

"May the LORD bless you and keep you.

May the LORD make His face to shine upon you and be gracious to you.

May the LORD lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace."

I've said this blessing over our children almost every night of their lives, and I'm just now getting the point of it.  

So pray with us, please.  Pray that Simon will continue to seek his mother's face and his father's face, knowing that we want so much more for him than he even knows. Pray that we will learn each and every lesson that God throws at us along this journey.  And pray that He will cause me to seek His face above all things.

24 Days

Simon has been with us for 24 days now.  It already feels like he's always been a part of the family, but we have had reminders that Simon comes from a place of brokenness.

In terms of me bonding with him, I am so grateful that my brain and my heart just knew he was mine from the moment I first held him.  I feel blessed because I know that this is not always the case with adopted (or even biological) children.  I'm sure things are a little more confusing for him.  When we first got him, he was not shy about smiling, screaming, or babbling.  We quickly realized he liked to be held by someone who is standing instead of sitting.  He likes to take stroller rides outside.  He likes looking at fans and things that light up.  But he was very anxious about any new places or situations, which unfortunately was almost everything we did.  After a couple of occasions where he cried and screamed in absolute terror, we learned that anytime we went somewhere, we needed to be holding him, rather than letting him sit in his car sear or a stroller.  It makes me sad to think that he reacts this way because just 24 days ago, he was brought by his foster mom since birth to a new place to meet new people and the next thing he knew, he was left with 2 strangers.  He is still a little fearful, but I can see that he is learning to trust us more when we go places.  Unlike a biological child, Brad and I have to be on alert for anything that could hinder Simon's ability to bond with us and recognize that we are his family.  I have had some ask me if I am going right back to work.  I cannot do that to my son, who in his 3 short months of life has now had 3 moms.  We were taught in our adoption education courses that even a newborn child recognizes that something is not as it should be when he is placed with a mother other that the one who carried him in her womb.  Even an infant grieves his losses.

Since we got little Simon, he has learned to roll from his back to his tummy and is already trying to belly crawl!  He smiles and gets excited when he sees his family.  He says "unga" which was a common verbalization of my other children as well.  He doesn't always startle with loud noises, but he seems to hear me talking quietly to Brad when he should be asleep.  Go figure.  We have finally gotten all his prior medical records and hope to follow up very soon on his hearing issues.

It has been a whirlwind 3 weeks but in the quiet moments, I am in awe of the goodness of God.  When the news has nothing to report but terrorist attacks on US soil, race-related rioting, and Planned Parenthood selling body parts, I am comforted by His promises.

It has been a long, hard 4 years.  It has tried my faith more than anything I have experienced.  The need for adoption is due to the fact that we live in a broken world.  Adoption takes that brokenness and offers a chance at healing and an opportunity to meet the heavenly Father who will never leave or forsake us. 

 



Adoption is so important to God, you can imagine Satan will do everything possible to deter it.   I have watched children get yanked in and out of foster care while their "parents" continue their self seeking destructive lifestyles.  I have known of children overseas dying in orphanages that are understaffed and underequipped while families wanting to adopt can do nothing but wait and hope.  I have heard of birth moms who have no intention of parenting use their babies as bargaining chips.

 





Watching children suffer will make you question the goodness of God, and that is exactly what Satan wants.  He causes delays in hopes that those seeking to adopt will simply give up.  Satan has attacked my faith, my family, my health, my finances, and my job security.  He has sent people close to us to discourage us.  He is crafty in his use of government bureaucracy and laws.  He has jeopardized the ethics of adoption, which resulted in more requirements adoptive parents must be willing to complete.  I won't even get into the astronomical expenses involved in offering to raise and love a child who is not biologically yours.  During the hardest times, I had to remind myself that if Satan was on the attack, it probably meant I was on the right track.  We are not out of the woods yet.  It will take some more legal hoopla before Simon is legally ours and we pray that there are no major issues.







I can say that the greatest sacrifices and hardest struggles will feel like the sweetest victories and best rewards.  God has never promised that our life will be easy, but when we live for Him, we are promised eternity in paradise.



God Winks

One thing I prayed throughout our adoption journey, particularly as the wait got longer and longer, was that God show me all the pieces that came together to bring us to the child He had for our family.  Here is what I know so far:

A little over 4 years ago, our family visited Hawaii while my sister and her family were living there.  Not long after returning, we decided to pursue adoption.  We are now back in Hawaii bringing our dreams of adoption to fruition.

When we built our home, there were no trees on our property.  Brad actually wrote a poem about our children comparing them to trees, and that is how we got the name for our blog.  We have started planting trees in our yard that represent each of our children.  Brandon has begged for years for us to get a palm tree.  They will grow in our area but I kept telling him "no," that it just seemed kind of funny to have a palm tree when we didn't live on the beach.  Here is the link to the poem and description of each child for the poem:  http://our4trees.blogspot.com/2013/03/the-beginning.html

Well, our son was born in Hawaii, and both his parents are Pacific Islanders.  Guess what tree grows both places?  A palm tree!  We told Brandon he is going to get that palm tree after all!

Simon was born March 28.  Brad's mom was on a cruise the end of March and beginning of April.  Guess where she was: Hawaii!

About 2 years ago, when we were trying to adopt from Ethiopia, we anticipated flying overseas to adopt our child.  Once we changed to a domestic adoption, it never occurred to me we would still be flying overseas to bring our son home! 

Just over 2 years ago, we started thinking about what we would name our child.  We had actually changed our girl name, but we kept our boy name.  Some of the reasoning behind the name Simon was discussed here: http://our4trees.blogspot.com/2013_05_01_archive.html

Simon means "hear or listen."  One thing we knew about our son before we agreed to present was that he had been discovered to have mild to moderate hearing loss.  At the time we selected his name, its meaning didn't have any significance, but now it does.  A few months ago, we decided his middle name would be Levi, which means "attached or joined."  God has known all along that Simon would be joining our family.  Levi was also another name for the apostle Matthew, whose name means "gift of God."  He truly is our blessing.

There have been 2 or 3 times in my life that I have felt God speaking to me about something important that I recognized the significance of after the fact.  One of those times was in August 2013.  I was awakened in the night and was given a date of November 2014 as something significant in our adoption.  At the time, we were pursuing international adoption, and I hoped maybe it meant we would get our referral that month.  In May 2014 I had another occurrence where I woke in the night and felt something significant was happening in our adoption.  I literally held onto that hope for the next 15 months. 

Well, in November 2014, we were accepted as new clients of Faithful Adoption Consultants and officially withdrew from the Ethiopia program after receiving discouraging news about the current state of adoptions there.  Based on what we have been told, it is likely that Simon's birth mother entered into a relationship with his birth father around May 2014.  He was born 10 months later.

I am so grateful to see God's hand in our adoption journey because there have been many times in the past 4 years that I have struggled to keep faith that He would fulfill this call in our lives.  I can finally see all the pieces coming together in His timing, even with current things going on in our lives.

We have a son!

It finally happened and when it did, it was fast!  Less than 72 hours ago we were still a waiting family and now we have our son in our arms in Honolulu, Hawaii!

So after I posted last, we got 4 more "no's" within about 3 days.  I was so frustrated and tired (after almost 4 years of waiting).  That was Friday, June 19.  The very next morning I woke up to a couple new situations from FAC.  We had to let them know ASAP because the babies were already here and they were hoping to present that same day.  We agreed to present and spent the rest of the weekend anticipating an answer.  Of course, when you are expecting it, it never seems to come.  We didn't hear anything all weekend, so Tuesday morning, I texted Courtney to see if she had any information.  She said that she had expected to hear something last night.  Both situations were in Hawaii, and they are 5 hours behind us so the time difference can make communication there a little more difficult.  At almost 10 pm that night, we got an email telling us one of the birth moms had selected another family.  We had been told that the second birth mom would be choosing a family after the first one decided (same agency and so probably same adoptive families presenting on both). 

I didn't think anything of it when a few minutes later my phone started ringing and it was Courtney.  She told us that the fees on the second situation were going to be higher than originally quoted and asked if we were still okay with it.  As soon as we told her we still wanted to proceed, she said "Congratulations.  He's yours."  I was in shock!  Really, I had tried to imagine how I would react when we finally got "The Call" but it was truly unexpected! 

From there on out, it was pure excitement and chaos.  We ran in to tell our kids--they had all just dozed off so we woke them up to tell them they had a brother.  Poor Micah had no recall the next morning of us waking her so we had to tell her again the next morning.  Because our son was already here, you can imagine all the prep that needed to be done so we could leave as soon as possible.  I was making notes of things to remember to do, we had to make flight arrangements as well as find a rental car and place to stay.  I needed baby items and needed to make arrangements at work and for our children.  We got to speak to our son's foster mom who had been raising him since birth and she sent us our first pictures of him.  I stayed up all night that night after unsuccessfully trying twice to fall asleep.  I was at Walmart at 5 am buying last minute items.  Luckily my work schedule was light the next day and I had help from coworkers, which allowed me to run a couple more errands and make more travel reservations.

I slept about 5 hours Wednesday night.  We were up at 4 am to get to the airport for a 6:50 am flight.  Our connecting flight left at 10:50 EST and we arrived in Honolulu at about 1:30 pm (6:30 pm CST).  We called the adoption attorney, got our rental car, and went to the place we had booked to stay in.  We spoke with our son's foster mom and she agreed to bring him over a couple hours later.  We made a quick trip to eat dinner and buy some groceries.  She arrived around 6:15 pm and we got to meet our precious son for the first time.  We were so grateful for the wonderful care he received the first 3 months of his life and his foster mom was so helpful in telling us his schedule and things he liked.  More on next post. . .