Seeking God's Face

I was convicted the other day.  I was listening to "More and More of You", a new song from Selah.  Now this is not a new thing for me.  I enjoy their music and listen to it often while I work.  Of course, every now and then, I'll come across a new release or a song I've never heard them sing.  This was one of them, so I gave it a try.  The first lines busted me up.

"We have had enough of getting everything we want.

We have given up on living this life just for us.

Oh, forgive us all for seeking your hand and not your face."

You know that feeling when something strikes you, almost as if on the face.  You stop listening and start thinking.  My first thought was, "That's been me lately".  Honestly, it's been me too much for the past several years, and lots of that has to do with this adoption.  

God's calling is a funny thing at times.  He calls you to something wonderful (like adoption), and He knows the beginning and the end.  We don't have that privilege, which is why God calls us to faith.  Well, as time goes on and on, this calling of His begins to occupy your thoughts more and more.  He calls us to wait patiently.  At times, we do wait on the LORD.  At other times, we want Him to hurry up.  The trick is this; over time the fixation turns to God's call, rather than God Himself.  

My face, upturned in the beginning, said "Yes" to this great call out of adoration for Jesus and His word.  As I was made to wait (in His perfect time), my face began to sink down to "what He can give me" rather than Who He is.  In short, there were times when I made an idol out of God's call and what He could give me.  

This is the essence of that Selah lyric, and God spoke to me through it.  I have, too often, been seeking God's hand instead of His face.

Here's the trick, though.

Simon has reinforced this for me.  In the beginning, Simon didn't even know us.  I doubt he really even cared at the time.  We, as his loving parents, who had been waiting and fighting for 4 years, were finally there to take him in and call him our own.  Emily and I wanted to know Simon.  We had dreamed of how it would be when we saw him for the first time, when he would walk for the first time, what his first word would be, etc, etc, etc.

He wanted food and to be carried around.  That was it.

Baby Simon, not knowing us, was looking to what our hands could give him, rather than looking for our face in order to know us.  I've been the same way.

Now that we've had him for a month, things are beginning to change quite a bit.  When I come home from work, he perks up when he sees me.  He looks into our eyes as we are feeding him.  He laughs (sort of) when he sees the tickle fingers coming.  Simon has come to know us better, and because of that, he is learning to look us first, and then happily accept what we have to give him (which is everything!).

I'm looking to the example of my 4 month old son.  He is desiring to know us first, and look to what we can give him afterward.  I figure that I should be doing the same to my adoptive Father.  Therefore, I've done quite a bit of confessing in the past weeks.  I'm trying to allow my time in prayer to lift my head above God's hands and up to His glorious face.

Then I remembered.  There's a blessing that God gave His people when they were in need.  He gave it to the priests while the nation of Israel wandered in the desert.  God wanted to bless His people, and He did not mention food, shelter, deliverance, or comfort a single time.

"May the LORD bless you and keep you.

May the LORD make His face to shine upon you and be gracious to you.

May the LORD lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace."

I've said this blessing over our children almost every night of their lives, and I'm just now getting the point of it.  

So pray with us, please.  Pray that Simon will continue to seek his mother's face and his father's face, knowing that we want so much more for him than he even knows. Pray that we will learn each and every lesson that God throws at us along this journey.  And pray that He will cause me to seek His face above all things.

24 Days

Simon has been with us for 24 days now.  It already feels like he's always been a part of the family, but we have had reminders that Simon comes from a place of brokenness.

In terms of me bonding with him, I am so grateful that my brain and my heart just knew he was mine from the moment I first held him.  I feel blessed because I know that this is not always the case with adopted (or even biological) children.  I'm sure things are a little more confusing for him.  When we first got him, he was not shy about smiling, screaming, or babbling.  We quickly realized he liked to be held by someone who is standing instead of sitting.  He likes to take stroller rides outside.  He likes looking at fans and things that light up.  But he was very anxious about any new places or situations, which unfortunately was almost everything we did.  After a couple of occasions where he cried and screamed in absolute terror, we learned that anytime we went somewhere, we needed to be holding him, rather than letting him sit in his car sear or a stroller.  It makes me sad to think that he reacts this way because just 24 days ago, he was brought by his foster mom since birth to a new place to meet new people and the next thing he knew, he was left with 2 strangers.  He is still a little fearful, but I can see that he is learning to trust us more when we go places.  Unlike a biological child, Brad and I have to be on alert for anything that could hinder Simon's ability to bond with us and recognize that we are his family.  I have had some ask me if I am going right back to work.  I cannot do that to my son, who in his 3 short months of life has now had 3 moms.  We were taught in our adoption education courses that even a newborn child recognizes that something is not as it should be when he is placed with a mother other that the one who carried him in her womb.  Even an infant grieves his losses.

Since we got little Simon, he has learned to roll from his back to his tummy and is already trying to belly crawl!  He smiles and gets excited when he sees his family.  He says "unga" which was a common verbalization of my other children as well.  He doesn't always startle with loud noises, but he seems to hear me talking quietly to Brad when he should be asleep.  Go figure.  We have finally gotten all his prior medical records and hope to follow up very soon on his hearing issues.

It has been a whirlwind 3 weeks but in the quiet moments, I am in awe of the goodness of God.  When the news has nothing to report but terrorist attacks on US soil, race-related rioting, and Planned Parenthood selling body parts, I am comforted by His promises.

It has been a long, hard 4 years.  It has tried my faith more than anything I have experienced.  The need for adoption is due to the fact that we live in a broken world.  Adoption takes that brokenness and offers a chance at healing and an opportunity to meet the heavenly Father who will never leave or forsake us. 

 



Adoption is so important to God, you can imagine Satan will do everything possible to deter it.   I have watched children get yanked in and out of foster care while their "parents" continue their self seeking destructive lifestyles.  I have known of children overseas dying in orphanages that are understaffed and underequipped while families wanting to adopt can do nothing but wait and hope.  I have heard of birth moms who have no intention of parenting use their babies as bargaining chips.

 





Watching children suffer will make you question the goodness of God, and that is exactly what Satan wants.  He causes delays in hopes that those seeking to adopt will simply give up.  Satan has attacked my faith, my family, my health, my finances, and my job security.  He has sent people close to us to discourage us.  He is crafty in his use of government bureaucracy and laws.  He has jeopardized the ethics of adoption, which resulted in more requirements adoptive parents must be willing to complete.  I won't even get into the astronomical expenses involved in offering to raise and love a child who is not biologically yours.  During the hardest times, I had to remind myself that if Satan was on the attack, it probably meant I was on the right track.  We are not out of the woods yet.  It will take some more legal hoopla before Simon is legally ours and we pray that there are no major issues.







I can say that the greatest sacrifices and hardest struggles will feel like the sweetest victories and best rewards.  God has never promised that our life will be easy, but when we live for Him, we are promised eternity in paradise.



God Winks

One thing I prayed throughout our adoption journey, particularly as the wait got longer and longer, was that God show me all the pieces that came together to bring us to the child He had for our family.  Here is what I know so far:

A little over 4 years ago, our family visited Hawaii while my sister and her family were living there.  Not long after returning, we decided to pursue adoption.  We are now back in Hawaii bringing our dreams of adoption to fruition.

When we built our home, there were no trees on our property.  Brad actually wrote a poem about our children comparing them to trees, and that is how we got the name for our blog.  We have started planting trees in our yard that represent each of our children.  Brandon has begged for years for us to get a palm tree.  They will grow in our area but I kept telling him "no," that it just seemed kind of funny to have a palm tree when we didn't live on the beach.  Here is the link to the poem and description of each child for the poem:  http://our4trees.blogspot.com/2013/03/the-beginning.html

Well, our son was born in Hawaii, and both his parents are Pacific Islanders.  Guess what tree grows both places?  A palm tree!  We told Brandon he is going to get that palm tree after all!

Simon was born March 28.  Brad's mom was on a cruise the end of March and beginning of April.  Guess where she was: Hawaii!

About 2 years ago, when we were trying to adopt from Ethiopia, we anticipated flying overseas to adopt our child.  Once we changed to a domestic adoption, it never occurred to me we would still be flying overseas to bring our son home! 

Just over 2 years ago, we started thinking about what we would name our child.  We had actually changed our girl name, but we kept our boy name.  Some of the reasoning behind the name Simon was discussed here: http://our4trees.blogspot.com/2013_05_01_archive.html

Simon means "hear or listen."  One thing we knew about our son before we agreed to present was that he had been discovered to have mild to moderate hearing loss.  At the time we selected his name, its meaning didn't have any significance, but now it does.  A few months ago, we decided his middle name would be Levi, which means "attached or joined."  God has known all along that Simon would be joining our family.  Levi was also another name for the apostle Matthew, whose name means "gift of God."  He truly is our blessing.

There have been 2 or 3 times in my life that I have felt God speaking to me about something important that I recognized the significance of after the fact.  One of those times was in August 2013.  I was awakened in the night and was given a date of November 2014 as something significant in our adoption.  At the time, we were pursuing international adoption, and I hoped maybe it meant we would get our referral that month.  In May 2014 I had another occurrence where I woke in the night and felt something significant was happening in our adoption.  I literally held onto that hope for the next 15 months. 

Well, in November 2014, we were accepted as new clients of Faithful Adoption Consultants and officially withdrew from the Ethiopia program after receiving discouraging news about the current state of adoptions there.  Based on what we have been told, it is likely that Simon's birth mother entered into a relationship with his birth father around May 2014.  He was born 10 months later.

I am so grateful to see God's hand in our adoption journey because there have been many times in the past 4 years that I have struggled to keep faith that He would fulfill this call in our lives.  I can finally see all the pieces coming together in His timing, even with current things going on in our lives.

We have a son!

It finally happened and when it did, it was fast!  Less than 72 hours ago we were still a waiting family and now we have our son in our arms in Honolulu, Hawaii!

So after I posted last, we got 4 more "no's" within about 3 days.  I was so frustrated and tired (after almost 4 years of waiting).  That was Friday, June 19.  The very next morning I woke up to a couple new situations from FAC.  We had to let them know ASAP because the babies were already here and they were hoping to present that same day.  We agreed to present and spent the rest of the weekend anticipating an answer.  Of course, when you are expecting it, it never seems to come.  We didn't hear anything all weekend, so Tuesday morning, I texted Courtney to see if she had any information.  She said that she had expected to hear something last night.  Both situations were in Hawaii, and they are 5 hours behind us so the time difference can make communication there a little more difficult.  At almost 10 pm that night, we got an email telling us one of the birth moms had selected another family.  We had been told that the second birth mom would be choosing a family after the first one decided (same agency and so probably same adoptive families presenting on both). 

I didn't think anything of it when a few minutes later my phone started ringing and it was Courtney.  She told us that the fees on the second situation were going to be higher than originally quoted and asked if we were still okay with it.  As soon as we told her we still wanted to proceed, she said "Congratulations.  He's yours."  I was in shock!  Really, I had tried to imagine how I would react when we finally got "The Call" but it was truly unexpected! 

From there on out, it was pure excitement and chaos.  We ran in to tell our kids--they had all just dozed off so we woke them up to tell them they had a brother.  Poor Micah had no recall the next morning of us waking her so we had to tell her again the next morning.  Because our son was already here, you can imagine all the prep that needed to be done so we could leave as soon as possible.  I was making notes of things to remember to do, we had to make flight arrangements as well as find a rental car and place to stay.  I needed baby items and needed to make arrangements at work and for our children.  We got to speak to our son's foster mom who had been raising him since birth and she sent us our first pictures of him.  I stayed up all night that night after unsuccessfully trying twice to fall asleep.  I was at Walmart at 5 am buying last minute items.  Luckily my work schedule was light the next day and I had help from coworkers, which allowed me to run a couple more errands and make more travel reservations.

I slept about 5 hours Wednesday night.  We were up at 4 am to get to the airport for a 6:50 am flight.  Our connecting flight left at 10:50 EST and we arrived in Honolulu at about 1:30 pm (6:30 pm CST).  We called the adoption attorney, got our rental car, and went to the place we had booked to stay in.  We spoke with our son's foster mom and she agreed to bring him over a couple hours later.  We made a quick trip to eat dinner and buy some groceries.  She arrived around 6:15 pm and we got to meet our precious son for the first time.  We were so grateful for the wonderful care he received the first 3 months of his life and his foster mom was so helpful in telling us his schedule and things he liked.  More on next post. . .

Mid-June 2015 Update

Another month has escaped us.  We have been given 11 more situations since I last wrote and have chosen to present on 6 of those.  4 of the ones we chose to present on have come up in the past week and we are currently waiting for the birth mom to make a decision.  The baby is already here on 2 of the current situations so IF we were to be chosen, I imagine we would travel immediately.

It is still hard.  We go between highs, like now, where we are waiting with hope for the "yes" we have been praying for, and then we have weeks with nothing but silence and doubt if we will ever be picked by a birth mom.

Each time we are told "no" cuts a little deeper.  We have had 6 so far, with a couple being especially tough because we were really drawn to the particular situation.  I have given up trying to figure out maybe this one is the "one" because the circumstances fit so well.  We got one of the tough "nos" last Monday morning while at work, and it made for a hard day.  I considered asking our consultant to hold the "no" emails until later in the day so I wouldn't be distracted and upset at work, but I'd rather know as soon as possible than keep holding out hope we got picked.  Most of the time, we end up waiting a full week or more from the time we first hear of the situation until we get a response so it is hard enough waiting those 7 days in anticipation.  I am a planner by nature and initially I would spend that waiting time thinking about the "what ifs" if we were to get picked with each situation:  How much advance notice are we getting? What arrangements will we need to make for our children?  What kind of travel (car, airline, car rental, what airport, etc) would be involved?  What about a hotel/place to stay?  What will we need for this particular baby depending on size and gender (if known)?  What kind of funding are we looking at needing?  What will we get the birth mom?  How involved will we be with the delivery?  How involved does the birth family desire to be after placement?  What kind of arrangements do we need to make with our jobs?  I'm sure all this thinking makes me more emotionally attached so I have been trying not to think much about the situations.

We know one of our biggest disadvantages to adopting domestically is the fact that we have 3 biological children.  Birth moms often want childless couples and/or infertile couples.  We miss out on many situations because we have children and probably are not considered on many once the birth mom sees we have children.  It is a common misconception that an adoptive family will favor biological children over adopted children--if only they knew how much was involved to be eligible to adopt and how expensive it was!  I can't imagine anyone going through all this to treat the adopted child like a second class citizen!

Micah 7:7 But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD,  I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.

Early May 2015 Update

Here we are mid-May still trudging along.  The second half of April through May 1 we were presented with 7 more situations!  Due to the circumstances (outside our parameters) we chose to not present on 3 of them.  Of the 4 we did decide to present on, 2 chose other families, 1 stopped returning calls from her agency and never picked a family, and the last situation we were told the agency got proof the birth mother did not have intentions to place her baby for adoption so they did not present our profile.

After more than 2 weeks of no situations, we got another one today that we decided to present on.  The birth mom will hopefully look at profiles on Monday so maybe we will hear something early in the week.

This waiting never gets easier.  I'm not sure if it is harder to wait when we are expecting to hear back from a birth mom who has seen our profile or harder to wait to get a situation to present on.  One of our situations the end of April really touched us and we really felt like it was "the one.". It was honestly really tough to find out we were not selected.  We had lots of people praying for us and just really were expecting God to do big things for us in this circumstance.

I just completed an online Bible study called "What Happens When Women Walk in Faith" by Lysa TerKeurst.  It was really appropriate for me right now in this adoption journey.  I love Lysa's books because she has a knack for showing just how applicable even Old Testament stories can be to my life now and she pulls patterns she sees in the Bible to show how consistent God is throughout time.

We are preparing for summer as school ends this week.  Another prayer we had was that we would get a baby earlier in the summer so I could be off while the kids are out of school.  I've never gotten to be off in the summer, and it would save us money on childcare.  That can still happen but is obviously becoming less likely.

I guess that is all for now!  We pray we will have some exciting news soon!

Early April 2015

So to update from the last post:  we finally got a situation on March 30 within our parameters and were excited to present.  We weren't sure how long we should expect to wait before we heard anything because we didn't even know when the birth mom would actually be seeing our profile.  Of course I was checking my email about every 5 minutes because that is how we get most information from Courtney.  So Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday went by with no word.  Early Sunday morning (Easter) after church I checked my email (again), and there was another situation from Courtney.  This one was technically outside our parameters (including our home study parameters) because it was for a 2.5 year old girl.  Brad immediately wanted to go for it.  I was more hesitant.  I am a planner and have been preparing to bring home a baby, especially since the domestic adoptions our consultant sees are almost all newborns and our home study approves us for 1-2 children up to a year old.  Sure, we have been prepared in the past to adopt all age ranges but this time it was  supposed to be a baby.  After our close call with the birth mom in February, I have an infant car seat, Ergo baby, diaper bag, newborn travel bed, newborn clothes and diapers, and other baby essentials.  All this stuff I have purchased and collected would be useless with a toddler.

After church we talked more about this situation and prayed about it.  Long ago I told God that I would be obedient to His will, regardless of whether His will matches my expectations or personal wishes.  I LOVE babies and my ideal situation would involve being present for the birth of our adopted child.  But I decided that if I truly believe our adoption is God's desire for our family, then I needed to step out and trust His plans.  So we decided to present.

We had not heard the outcome of our first situation, but Courtney thought she would hear that birth mom's decision before we presented on the toddler's situation.  So all day Easter I was checking my email and all day Monday was the same.  Finally, at 10:00 pm Monday night, I got an email from Courtney saying that the family who had just adopted the toddler's siblings had changed their mind and decided to pursue adopting her as well.  This is obviously the best situation for the toddler because she would be raised with her biological siblings.  Within a few minutes, we got another email stating that the birth mom in our first situation had chosen another family.

I was honestly prepared to be turned down.  It was only our first time really presenting and the expectant birth mom preferred a family with no children.  I think I took it pretty well considering we lost 2 situations in a matter of minutes.  But here we are 5 days later and we are just waiting again.  Thursday was 4 weeks since we "officially" became active with FAC (though we were given 3 situations prior to that time).  The hours feel like days and I am dreading the anticipation that we will likely present many more times before we are chosen.  It feels like it will never happen, especially since it has now been 4 years since God first planted the seed of adoption in my heart.  It is hard, especially because we can't see what God knows.  I guess that is life in general.

I was touched by something Brad told me Tuesday evening when he got home from jail.  Ha!  No, seriously he helps in the local prison ministry and goes weekly to do a Bible study.  He sees a lot of the same men each week.  One in particular is in jail due to not paying child support, but has talked to Brad about how he wants to do things differently when he gets out of jail.  He asked Brad how our adoption is going and told Brad he is praying daily, often multiple times a day, for our adoption. That is amazing and humbling to me that a man who is incarcerated for not taking care of his children is now praying for our future child.  I am so humbled that someone who must have a lot of tough things to deal with in his own life is taking the time to pray for us.  I pray that he is truly a changed man through Christ.

Please pray for my patience and faith.  The waiting never gets easier.